Oh the what ifs........

This weekend was a little crazy and emotional. I got to spend some much needed time with my sweet family and friends. But sometimes even when I'm having a great time, something always happens that brings me back to reality. It just a few short months we will begin our great journey into this surrogacy and I'm so super excited and nervous. However the what ifs still play with my mind and sometimes lead me back into my little hole of crazy!
If all would have went well last February my two sweet little embryos would be getting ready to come into this earth. Our due date was November 11 2011, I remember thinking how crazy that will be to have our babies born on that date. I wrote this day down on every journal entry and every note I could find. I couldn't wait till 11/11/11. This was going to be the best day of my life. But instead of preparing myself for mother hood I am now dreading this day for I know the emotions it will bring. Instead of bringing home my precious bundle of joy I will be getting ready for another friends baby shower while my sweet little husband will be jumping for joy because this is "The Rut" and his little butt will be in the woods (which he is soooo excited about.) Not exactly how I planned on spending this time. But as Charlie says, we have to go on with our life and remember, Life goes on! November 11th will come and November 11th will go. And pretty soon January will be here and we can begin this journey. This isn't what I had planned on, this isn't how I picture becoming a mommy, but God is in control and I put my faith in Him. Please don't think I'm bitter or mad, just sometimes I have to open up and let out my frustrations out so I can begin to heal. My heart is almost finished with the healing process, only sometimes does little things such a dates reopen the wound. I ask for prayers for these next few weeks as this wound will start to heal and make room for many many happier things!! We have lots to be thankful for and lots of friends and family who have helped us through this time!!!
I wanted to also say a BIG thank you to all of you of have bought PUSH bracelets. I have about 30 more if you are interested! This has helped us out so much! And it brightens my day when I see people wearing these! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!

A note from Mom......

Tonight, Lynnie isn't writing...tonight, you get to hear from me,  Lynsey's mom.  Lynsey asked me several weeks ago to write for the blog, but, I wasn't sure I could put into words what I feel in my heart.  Also, I have been so blessed reading what God has laid on Lynsey's heart, that I wanted to continue receiving and not sharing. I'm a little different from Lynsey.  Her happy-go-lucky lifestyle absolutely amazes me!  She is an open book and sharing her thoughts come easy for her.  Me, I'm a little more reserved (until I get comfortable around you) and normally I don't share personal things in my life with people I don't know.  But, tonight, I want to share my side of the story.

     I have learned so much this past year from Lynsey and Charlie.  They don't know it, but through this difficult time in their lives they have demonstrated to me an honest, true love for God...in the good times and the bad.  So, I want to thank them for the example they have been to me.  

     Next,  I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for all the kind words you have shared with us!!!  We have received nothing but love, compassion, and support  as we begin this journey in our lives!!!  It's funny, I say BEGIN, but honestly, this isn't the beginning... This has been God's plan for a very, very long time.  We have been on the journey all our lives.  God has been putting the pieces of his plan together for years...We're just becoming aware of His plan! Isn't that amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!        

     I can honestly say...this was not the way I visioned my plan for Lynsey...

I'm no different from any other mom...when Lynsey was born, I wanted her to have a happy life!!  I wanted her to grow up, go to college, fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily ever after.  I wanted Lynsey to have everything her heart desired!  My job, as her mom, was to try and give her everything her heart desired.  When she was little doing that  wasn't too hard.  Back then, her desires were ice cream, oreo cookies, and pink leotards!!  Pretty easy!!!  Then, Lynsey started getting older and the things she wanted or desired weren't always what I could give her. 

     Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days of pink leotards...where life for Lynsey was easy.  But, that's not reality.  Reality is...our little ones grow up.  Reality is...mom's and dad's can't give their kids everything they desire.  Reality is...Life gets more and more difficult.  Reality is... the doctor has told my daughter and son-in-law that Lynsey can't carry their child.  Reality is... my daughter's hearts desire is to have a baby!  Reality is...our family has been forced to face a situation we never dreamed we would have to face.  And reality is...God's word says..."Commit your plans to the Lord, and they will succeed" proverbs 16:3. 

     When Lynsey and Charlie told us about their doctor appointment, September 8, 2011...My heart was broken!!  I couldn't hardly look at my little girl...because I wanted soooo badly to say I can fix this.  But, in my heart, I knew that was impossible! However, the longer she talked, I began to realize, God was putting into place a way for me to be the vessel to give my child what she desired most in her life...a baby of her own.   

     Please don't think I am or our family is anything special.  I am just a mom who loves her little girl and would do anything for her.  God has given me and our family a peace about all this that I couldn't explain if I even tried.  My prayer is that God would slam the door if we aren't supposed to continue on.  But, right now, the doors are standing WIDE open!!  God has given us numerous signs to continue forward and that is what we plan to do.  I have nothing but joy in my heart knowing God's still in control and in charge of the plan for Lynsey and Charlie!!  We don't know the outcome...but, God does!  Please continue to pray for our family... Lynsey and Charlie, Cathy and Ryan, Donnie, and myself...  Miracles happen every today...AND, WE BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!

    

Worry...Worry...Worry

Wow this past week has been crazy! We found out mom can carry our baby, now I feel like its time for me to start my worrying! If you know me you know that's my best quality, I tend to worry about everything! This week I'm super excited about our news and everyone who is praying and thinking about us. We couldn't do this without the support of our family and friends. I was nervous about telling everybody but to my surprise we have so many people on our side and our lifting us up in prayer! But my worry is kicking in! I'm nervous about the meds, and the eggs, and the procedure, and the transfer, and mom, and Charlie...it goes on and on! I can sometimes sit and worry about every little detail. I looked back on some pictures right after Charlie and I got married. I just cried and cried wishing I could get in that picture and tell us what to expect and how hard its going to be. And then I wish my future self would come into this picture and tell me how great it is then, and to hold on its all going to be ok. But life doesn't work that way. We have to have faith that God knows what He is doing and I have to trust that God is looking in on us right now and saying "Its going to be OK, I promise!" I know its all going to be ok and i know we can do this. We've made it this far, we can keep going on. Sometimes it just helps to let it all out!!!!
On a lighter note I have ordered some PUSH bracelets which should be here this week. They are teal and black and we are going to sell them for $5. This will help with some expense plus remind people to pray until something happens!!!!! Thank you so much for your prayers and support...God is so good!!

BTW- GO CARDINALS!!!!!

Step two is done...you know what that means!!!!

So the second step in the testing for our surrogate is finished, and she passed with flying colors!!! We were so excited! Dr. Gentry doesnt see any reason why she cant be our surrogate. Today was filled with LOTS of paperwork and bloodwork. We left the doctors office with tears in our eyes because this is actually happening! So now you know what this means??? Its time to tell you who our our surrogate is!
I was thinking the other day what qualifies a good mommy? What do you have to have to have to be good at it? Compassion, affection, understanding? Do you have to be a good cook, or be outgoing? Do you have to love them so much that you would give them the world if you could? Of course all these things make a great mom. I sometimes wonder if I will carry these qualities when im a mom. I think back to my own mother and all that she did for me. My mom had me at the young age of 18, she gave up her life so that I could have one. She is a compassionate and understanding women, she cared for me and still went on the college to get her degree. She loves me with all her heart and all her soul. There is not anything in this world she wouldnt do for me, including carry my baby! She not only gave me life, she is willing to do it again but this time she will give birth to her grandbaby. Yes, the most amazing women in the world is willing to sacrifice her world AGAIN for me!
My mother, Robyn is my surrogate! She has gracioulsy offfered to do this for Charlie and I. I remember when we came home from the dr appoinment a couple of weeks ago and told my parents what he had said. Mom just sat there and cried and said "ill do it." Knowing the kind of mom she is I knew she would offer because she wants us to be happy. I was afraid at first that she was just doing it out of obligation. But after a few days we prayed about it and asked God to close this door if this isnt what He wanted. Every door has been opened and when we walk through them we have peace! As im writing this im still in shock that this is what will happen! Will I ever be able to thank her? Will she ever know what joy she will bring? I cant wait to tell our sweet little baby what her grandma did for her/him. I cant wait to tell them how great our God is!! Is this crazy? YES! But I know its GOD!!!!!
We are hoping to do the process in January/Febuary of 2012. We will be using our fertilized eggs, so this baby will have our DNA. WOW it feels really good to have it out there and to know that prayers can be started for Charlie, Mom, Dad and myself. Please pray for God's will to be done all the way to the end. We want God to get all the glory in this time of our life!

Step one is done!

The process of getting our surrogate prepared has started. Today we went to one of our many doctor appointments. We went to her OBGYN for her yearly exam (which has to be negative to continue) and we both wanted to discuss some questions we had. We were both so nervous because we want to do this so badly! The nurse and the doctor at first both seemed kind of shocked. They had never done anything with a surrogate before. He had some reservations at first but once he realized we were very serious and have thought it through he was all for it. He told us she should have no problems being our surrogate! We were both so excited! We go next week to our fertility doctor, Dr.Gentry to do a minor procedure and a consult to go over everything! We have prayed that God shut...no SLAM the door on this if it isn't what He wants and right now he seems to have the door wide open. Please be in prayer for us and we continue this journey.
Its seems so surreal right now, like this may actually happen. That we may still have a chance to have a baby of our own. Our surrogate has given us HOPE, she is giving us a lifeline to fulfill our dreams. If you don't know what it is like to not have hope your a blessed person. I feel that when you have no hope its like all the bad emotions wrapped in one, its grief, it's anger, its fear, its sadness, its confusion, and there is nothing you can do about it. At the end of our last IUI I realized we can not get pregnant without God. There is nothing I can say or a medicine I can take to make this happen. It can only happen with God. This can be scary because I am a person that seeks instant satisfaction. I wanted it yesterday, and I need to know why I don't have it now. But since this surrogate has stepped up, she has given us hope that we lost.
I decided to look up the definition of hope, these are a few I came across. When these definitions came up I teared up because they each are what I feel when I think of this situation.
HOPE is:To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment
HOPE is:The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good
HOPE is:Difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help
HOPE is:Trust; confidence
HOPE is:A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment
I know that our surrogate will be reading this so I wanted her to know that you are giving us hope thought we had lost. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives!

My other half

Ive noticed that in my blogs Ive talked about all the support from our families but Ive forgotten to mention my biggest fan. The man who has made all my dreams come true. The man who makes me the happiest girl in the world. My prince charming...Charlie!
If you know Charlie and I you know that we are so opposite! Charlie is very laid back, nothing gets him upset. He never gets mad, never is impatient with me, never worries about anything (but money) I on the other hand am total opposite. I stress about everything, I'm a little over the top, I am a very impatient person, I am loud and crazy. We are total opposite people, however we fit together perfectly! God knew what he was doing when he put us together! Charlie has always been an amazing husband and friend. But when we started this journey, Charlie went from amazing to glorious!
I remember when we started doing the IUI's I would give myself the shots and where was Charlie? Right beside me holding my hand. When I would cry because of pain he would reassure me that it was worth it! When we moved on to IVF I was doing up to 6 shots a day. And there he was holding my hand helping me out. One night while I was giving my shots after the first one I lost it! I cried from pain, I cried from the emotions and I cried because I was so overwhelmed!!! Charlie who is deathly afraid of needles grabbed the needle and stuck it in! He then took the other needles and began giving me my shots one by one! When he finished he put his forehead on mine and said "From now on ill do the shots!" And he did, every single one from then until now. He has held my hand through every procedure, through every sickness, through every difficult doctor visit and has never let go.  He has let me do whatever I want to get this baby, and I know he will continue on because for whatever reason my happiness means more to him than anything!
I wonder sometime how I got so lucky, because there are plenty of times that I take advantage of him!

Charlie loves me so much, he puts me first! He wants me to be a mommy more than anything! I know he would do anything to make this happen! I know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him!!! I recently heard the new song by Martina McBride called "I'm gonna love you through it" and I know this is how Charlie feels about what we are going through. It goes.....

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

I thank God everyday for Charlie, he is the most amazing man. I cant wait to see what kind of father he will be because if he is anything like he is a husband it will be one lucky child!!!

up, up , up, down, down, down

I'm up one minute then I'm down the next! This is such an emotional ride, I'm excited and ready for the journey. And then all of sudden panic sets in and all I see are pregnant people everywhere sharing their news! It was even on every TV show we turned on. I'm usually not a jealous person but in this case I'm so jealous I can hardly see straight! It's so hard to be happy for someone who has the only thing you want! Because I mostly feel like such a horrible person for thinking this way! You want to be happy for the people you love and care for but they have no idea the pain and trials that your experiencing. Unless you have been in this situation you cant imagine the pain that takes place. Charlie tells me each time that one day it will be our turn, and I know it will! I know one day ill look back on this day and say "It was all worth it!"
For the past few days we've gone over and over our options. Right now we are going to let our possible surrogate get tested and see if she can do it. We get really excited about it and then something will happen to bring us down. People aren't going to understand this. People are not going to agree with what we are doing. But I'm not here to please people, I'm here to please God. And if he is leading us to have a baby through a surrogate then that is what I will do. Ive been struggling with this these past few days. Today I decided to call Dr.Gentry's office to see what steps we have to take to make this happen. I talked with our nurse Bea and told her what we think we will do and she gave me all the information. While I was talking to her she was so excited about what we are doing. She instantly became my guardian angel, she said everything that I needed to hear. She made me feel like if this is what God wants then this will work! She offered to do anything and everything she could to make this right! God put her in my life at the exact time I needed it! She put my mind at ease and said that she was excited to go on this journey with us! Thank you God for Bea!!!
These next few weeks are going to bring some ups and downs, I can only imagine how many more emotions are going to get thrown in! I pray for peace, I pray for knowledge, I pray that negative comments wont get in the way of God's plan for us, I pray for our possible surrogate, I pray for my wonderful husband who has to deal with these "ups and downs", I pray God's will over this time in our lives!