Angels amoung us....

Wow what a crazy few weeks! We have been getting ready, not only for the holidays but for January. It is coming at up pretty fast, both the Holidays and January. We are very thankful for all of the prayers and support we have been getting these past few weeks.
This week has been very emotional and crazy! I heard from the doctor Tuesday and I start my medications on December 12th. We meet with them on December 7th to get all our papers and medicines in order. When I hung up the phone I immediately went into panic mode, its happening, its really happening! I came home to my wonderful husband who just held me as I cried about all the what if's. We sat down and got all our stuff together and noticed that I had over looked some "extra expenses" that we will need. I  automatically started to panic again. This is all so overwhelming, its all so crazy! Here we are a year later getting ready to go through the same process we did and I remember the outcome. Sometimes its so scary that I don't know how we can ever get through it! But its here and as Charlie's dad says " you cant back out now" and we cant, we've prayed and prayed and prayed and God has placed us in the position and we cant back out now. We are here for a reason and we are going through this for a reason. Sometimes its just easier to talk about what we are going to do than actually do it. Please pray for peace and we enter into this journey. I do hate to be on my "crazy hormonal meds" during the holidays but God will see us through!!!!
On an amazing side note.....We were completely blessed a few weeks ago. My sweet sister in law got together with the amazing Katie D.,who sales Scentsy. And together they sold Scentsy for Charlie and I. Thank you so much to all who ordered something. And thank you to Katie who gave up her commission for Charlie and I. All of the money went into our baby fund. This will help with some of the cost,and every penny counts! We are so blessed with amazing people who are willing to help us out! There's not enough "THANK YOU'S" to go around! I pray that God blesses each of you ten fold for what you did for us!!! I thank the Lord for the "angels" He sends to each of us!!!!
Another sweet angel came into our lives, I've been introduced to a lady who has done IVF with a surrogate. She lives in Evansville and used Dr.Gentry. Ive been emailing her and she has been such a great help. I really enjoy picking her brain, its so nice to have someone who has been through this before. I'm very thankful for her and all of her help.
Mom is working on another blog so the next one should be from her.....Hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving! Always be thankful for everything you have, count your many blessings!!!!

Making our baby

Today is 11-11-11 which means that if everything would have worked, today would have been our due date. For some this isn't a big deal but for me it means the world. So today for my blog I wanted to share our journey last February through IVF.

January 20th, medications were started and samples were given. We really had no idea what to expect as we began this journey. I remember on this day I started my journal. I began to write down everything that we were feeling and our fears and expectations. I remember when all my medication came in the mail. I got them all out and cried just from being so overwhelmed. The first night that we started the shots Charlie took a picture of me mixing all the meds. It was so crazy to know that the next few weeks this would be our life. I would take 2 shots in the morning and 4 shots at night.

We would go to the dr every 3-4 days for the ultrasound to monitor the eggs. I produced 16 eggs, 6 one one side and 10 on the other. After the first week of meds my belly began to grow. I looked about 5 months pregnant. I had to give the shots in my belly and I bruised so bad. After the third week I was about to lose it. I would cry from fear, and pain, and hormones. Charlie would just hold me and tell me it was all worth it. Im not sure where I would be without him.

Finally after about 4 weeks of shots and ultrasounds the dr said it was time to take out the eggs. We had to go to Indy to do this, Charlie and I didn't want to go by ourselves so we took both our moms. We are both very close with our parents and we knew we needed all the support we could. We are truly blessed to have the family that we do. Im not sure we would have made it out of this situation without them. We left on a Saturday afternoon and headed to Indy. Once there we went out to eat and tried to relax. I remember being so nervous but so glad that our family was there to make us laugh.

That night mom slept with me, I remember she rubbed my arm util I feel asleep, just like when I was little. When I woke up the next day she and a card for me from her and dad. She knew everything I would need that day. We got ready and when we stepped outside there was about 3 inches of snow. Since we had to be at the hospital at 6 (5 their time) we had to drive so slow, I didn't think we would ever get there. On the way we listen to "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder band. We cried the whole way. Once there I got all hooked up and was taken back to get those precious eggs taken out.

When I woke up Charlie was there to tell me that instead of 16 eggs I really had 19. Three of them had hidden in the ultrasound. I remember thinking how crazy it is that I had that many eggs. We were both so excited that we had so many eggs!!! The next day I got the call from the lab that said only 8 of the eggs fertilized, and we had to go back in 5 days to put two back in. We were thrilled that we had 8 eggs to work with!!!
 5 loooonnngggg days later we were back on the road to Indy. This time we left on a Friday night, we went through a horrible rain storm that turned into a even worse snow storm and then the last few miles became a ice storm. We were so glad to finally be there. The next morning we made our way back to the hospital, once again listening to The David Crowder Band "How He Loves" Once there Charlie got to go back with me. They gave us a picture of the two eggs that they were implanting. I cried and cried because they looked so precious to me. We went back and got to watch via ultrasound the eggs being implanted. It was the greatest feeling, watching those sweet little eggs trying to make us a family!!
I was on bed rest for 48 hours and on restrictions until the pregnancy test which was 8 days later.
The day after we got home we received a phone call from the lab that informed us that the remaining eggs did not freeze. Which meant that if these two eggs didn't take then we would be done. I cried and cried, we tried to have faith that the two inside me would take but it was so hard knowing we didn't have a safety net.

The night before the blood test, Charlie and I went through my journal and pictures and all the cards and letters from friends and families. We cried at how close we were to being parents yet the next day held our fate. I don't think either one of us slept that night at all. The next morning I made the drive to Evansville to get the test, they said it would take 2 hours. So I drove back to Charlie's work and picked him up. We sat in the car and waited for the call. After hours of waiting the phone finally rang. We could tell by the sound of her voice what the results were, but hearing the word "negative" was enough to make my heart stop. When I hung up the phone I just stared at Charlie, all he could do was say he was sorry. My sweet Charlie likes to keep his feelings to himself, which is not healthy. But at this point he lost it. There is nothing worse than watching the strongest man in the world break. I watched my husband break into a million pieces. Charlie loves me and would give me anything he could, this is the one thing he cant me and it kills him.
We went home and he just held me until we were both numb. I dont know if I could ever feel more pain than I felt that day. But we both knew that tomorrow would come and life would go on. So we got up and started putting the pieces together. We took a break from baby talk for a while until we were ready.

I wanted to share this experience with you because this is what made Charlie and I know that God is in control. We can do and try and beg and plead to get out way, but God has a bigger and better plan. Ive had a few people ask me how I can still love God through all of this. Not one time have Charlie or myself questioned God's love for us or our love for God. I have said time and time again that I would rather be in God's will and not get my way, then get my way and not be in God's will. I thank God daily for the this experience, we would not be the people we are today if it weren't for this. I love Charlie more today than I have ever loved him.

Oh the places you'll go!

Oh the places we've been should be more like it! Mom and I have been to many doctors appointments and clinics and have been able to tell our story to so many people! This "situation" that we are in has turned into a "opportunity" to tell others not only our story, but tell others about Jesus.

There are so many stories that we can tell about how God has placed the right people at the right time to hear what He is doing for us. The funny thing is they happen in the most amazing places. Mom got to tell her story to the lady who cleans her teeth. She was actually the first person she told, and the lady was so encouraging. Ive been able to tell my story at work when patients ask me about my PUSH bracelet. This is usually how the conversation gets started. My favorite thing about PUSH is its not just a saying for Charlie and I but can be used in ANY situation. Many people are praying for us but they are also PUSHing for situations in their own lives.

I feel that God is using us in so many ways as we go through this journey. He has blessed me so much through this blog. We do have lots of people who read this and pray for us. So I wanted to take this time tonight that when you read this you don't pray for Charlie and I but instead you pray for another couple that God has placed on our hearts, Matt and Emily.
Today mom had to go get a mammogram. While there she meet the sweet lady who did the exam. This is one of the last tests mom has to do before we get the 100% ok to go through with the surrogacy. So she asked the lady to make sure she doesn't miss anything because this was the last test she had to pass. The lady asked mom what these test are for and mom got to tell her our story. She also explained to her our PUSH bracelets. The lady teared up and told her about her son and daughter in law. The had a sweet little boy that 18 months ago passed away. Through tears she told mom what had happen and how hard it had been on their family. As they both sat crying, mom took off her bracelet and gave it to her. The lady just cried harder and told mom that she had no idea how much she needed that. She said she was going to visit them this weekend because this past Sunday would have been his third birthday, and she was going to give the bracelet to them. God placed my mom in the exact place at the exact time for this lady. Somewhere in Paducah, KY there is a lady wearing our PUSH bracelet (and maybe reading this right now) who is PUSHing for her kids who are hurting. So tonight please pray for this sweet family. Lift up Matt and Emily (and Matt's mom) in your prayers for peace and comfort, and as they choose to start an family again!

As hard as this experience is for Charlie and I, I feel that it is all worth it if our story helps at least one person. Its all worth it if our PUSH bracelet helps heal hearts. This is all worth it if GOD is being glorified and honored through it all.  This is all worth it if in the end we see just how great God is!!