Making our baby

Today is 11-11-11 which means that if everything would have worked, today would have been our due date. For some this isn't a big deal but for me it means the world. So today for my blog I wanted to share our journey last February through IVF.

January 20th, medications were started and samples were given. We really had no idea what to expect as we began this journey. I remember on this day I started my journal. I began to write down everything that we were feeling and our fears and expectations. I remember when all my medication came in the mail. I got them all out and cried just from being so overwhelmed. The first night that we started the shots Charlie took a picture of me mixing all the meds. It was so crazy to know that the next few weeks this would be our life. I would take 2 shots in the morning and 4 shots at night.

We would go to the dr every 3-4 days for the ultrasound to monitor the eggs. I produced 16 eggs, 6 one one side and 10 on the other. After the first week of meds my belly began to grow. I looked about 5 months pregnant. I had to give the shots in my belly and I bruised so bad. After the third week I was about to lose it. I would cry from fear, and pain, and hormones. Charlie would just hold me and tell me it was all worth it. Im not sure where I would be without him.

Finally after about 4 weeks of shots and ultrasounds the dr said it was time to take out the eggs. We had to go to Indy to do this, Charlie and I didn't want to go by ourselves so we took both our moms. We are both very close with our parents and we knew we needed all the support we could. We are truly blessed to have the family that we do. Im not sure we would have made it out of this situation without them. We left on a Saturday afternoon and headed to Indy. Once there we went out to eat and tried to relax. I remember being so nervous but so glad that our family was there to make us laugh.

That night mom slept with me, I remember she rubbed my arm util I feel asleep, just like when I was little. When I woke up the next day she and a card for me from her and dad. She knew everything I would need that day. We got ready and when we stepped outside there was about 3 inches of snow. Since we had to be at the hospital at 6 (5 their time) we had to drive so slow, I didn't think we would ever get there. On the way we listen to "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder band. We cried the whole way. Once there I got all hooked up and was taken back to get those precious eggs taken out.

When I woke up Charlie was there to tell me that instead of 16 eggs I really had 19. Three of them had hidden in the ultrasound. I remember thinking how crazy it is that I had that many eggs. We were both so excited that we had so many eggs!!! The next day I got the call from the lab that said only 8 of the eggs fertilized, and we had to go back in 5 days to put two back in. We were thrilled that we had 8 eggs to work with!!!
 5 loooonnngggg days later we were back on the road to Indy. This time we left on a Friday night, we went through a horrible rain storm that turned into a even worse snow storm and then the last few miles became a ice storm. We were so glad to finally be there. The next morning we made our way back to the hospital, once again listening to The David Crowder Band "How He Loves" Once there Charlie got to go back with me. They gave us a picture of the two eggs that they were implanting. I cried and cried because they looked so precious to me. We went back and got to watch via ultrasound the eggs being implanted. It was the greatest feeling, watching those sweet little eggs trying to make us a family!!
I was on bed rest for 48 hours and on restrictions until the pregnancy test which was 8 days later.
The day after we got home we received a phone call from the lab that informed us that the remaining eggs did not freeze. Which meant that if these two eggs didn't take then we would be done. I cried and cried, we tried to have faith that the two inside me would take but it was so hard knowing we didn't have a safety net.

The night before the blood test, Charlie and I went through my journal and pictures and all the cards and letters from friends and families. We cried at how close we were to being parents yet the next day held our fate. I don't think either one of us slept that night at all. The next morning I made the drive to Evansville to get the test, they said it would take 2 hours. So I drove back to Charlie's work and picked him up. We sat in the car and waited for the call. After hours of waiting the phone finally rang. We could tell by the sound of her voice what the results were, but hearing the word "negative" was enough to make my heart stop. When I hung up the phone I just stared at Charlie, all he could do was say he was sorry. My sweet Charlie likes to keep his feelings to himself, which is not healthy. But at this point he lost it. There is nothing worse than watching the strongest man in the world break. I watched my husband break into a million pieces. Charlie loves me and would give me anything he could, this is the one thing he cant me and it kills him.
We went home and he just held me until we were both numb. I dont know if I could ever feel more pain than I felt that day. But we both knew that tomorrow would come and life would go on. So we got up and started putting the pieces together. We took a break from baby talk for a while until we were ready.

I wanted to share this experience with you because this is what made Charlie and I know that God is in control. We can do and try and beg and plead to get out way, but God has a bigger and better plan. Ive had a few people ask me how I can still love God through all of this. Not one time have Charlie or myself questioned God's love for us or our love for God. I have said time and time again that I would rather be in God's will and not get my way, then get my way and not be in God's will. I thank God daily for the this experience, we would not be the people we are today if it weren't for this. I love Charlie more today than I have ever loved him.