I learned lots of great things and I also learned lots about myself. I was relived to learn that exactly what I went through those first few months were indeed post adoption depression. I learned that most all of the women that attended had this. Where Those first few months of having this baby wasn't quite what I though it would be. I learned that the moment Parker was put in my arms that I indeed loved him immediately however there wasn't an immediate attachment. That attachment wouldn't come for a while, in fact it's just recently that I believe it's at it's best! In learning this lots of things became so clear to me. One of those things was the way I treated others. I believe I feared that all these people holding my baby might just have a better attachment than me. I remember it bothering me when people held my baby especially when I was out and about. I remember not exactly being able to put my finger on why it bothered me but it did. After this weekend it became so clear to me why I couldn't let other hold and love my child.
No one tells you about the attachment part. No one warns you it may be a while before he feels like "yours". I wish so bad that I had a retreat like this before I had Parker so I would been more prepared and possible saved a few relationships that were damaged because I had no clue what these emotions were and what they were doing.
As embarrassing as it is, I feel that there may be some out there that have experienced this or may in the future. If telling my story helps them then It's totally worth it. Plus let's be honest I'm an open book, this blog has held every part of our crazy journey and I've never left anything out so why start now :)
I remember those first months when Parker cried, I cried. He was a colic baby and it was hard. But as much as I loved him he just didn't feel like mine. I felt like I couldn't sooth him like a mommy should. I didn't feel like he needed me. I remember crying (a lot) and thinking this is all I've wanted for 4 years and now I have him it's horrible!!! I remember thinking no one could ever know I felt this way cause how awful they would think of me. So I kept it in, pushed people away and pretended like I have everything under control. After much prayer my sweet angel stop crying and began to recognize my voice which helped to ease my confused heart.
Around 4 months Parker seemed more like mine, we began to really bond and we began to learn each other. I wouldn't trade my experience for nothing, it's made me stronger and happier that we chose adoption and that God chose Parker for us. I'm grateful for this weekend where I could learn more about myself and that even though it feels like it, I'm not alone.
My prayer is that what I learned this weekend will help others just as it has helped me. My Jesus is a loving and forgiving God and even when we don't deserve it, his mercies are new every morning. I'm grateful he didn't give up on me cause there is nothing greater than being Parker's mommy!!!
My prayer is with this new baby Charlie, Parker and I will all bond with him better and become a family fast!! I'm beyond blessed to have an amazing little boy here watching me write and another on the way. When God blesses, he really blesses!
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