Angels amoung us....

Wow what a crazy few weeks! We have been getting ready, not only for the holidays but for January. It is coming at up pretty fast, both the Holidays and January. We are very thankful for all of the prayers and support we have been getting these past few weeks.
This week has been very emotional and crazy! I heard from the doctor Tuesday and I start my medications on December 12th. We meet with them on December 7th to get all our papers and medicines in order. When I hung up the phone I immediately went into panic mode, its happening, its really happening! I came home to my wonderful husband who just held me as I cried about all the what if's. We sat down and got all our stuff together and noticed that I had over looked some "extra expenses" that we will need. I  automatically started to panic again. This is all so overwhelming, its all so crazy! Here we are a year later getting ready to go through the same process we did and I remember the outcome. Sometimes its so scary that I don't know how we can ever get through it! But its here and as Charlie's dad says " you cant back out now" and we cant, we've prayed and prayed and prayed and God has placed us in the position and we cant back out now. We are here for a reason and we are going through this for a reason. Sometimes its just easier to talk about what we are going to do than actually do it. Please pray for peace and we enter into this journey. I do hate to be on my "crazy hormonal meds" during the holidays but God will see us through!!!!
On an amazing side note.....We were completely blessed a few weeks ago. My sweet sister in law got together with the amazing Katie D.,who sales Scentsy. And together they sold Scentsy for Charlie and I. Thank you so much to all who ordered something. And thank you to Katie who gave up her commission for Charlie and I. All of the money went into our baby fund. This will help with some of the cost,and every penny counts! We are so blessed with amazing people who are willing to help us out! There's not enough "THANK YOU'S" to go around! I pray that God blesses each of you ten fold for what you did for us!!! I thank the Lord for the "angels" He sends to each of us!!!!
Another sweet angel came into our lives, I've been introduced to a lady who has done IVF with a surrogate. She lives in Evansville and used Dr.Gentry. Ive been emailing her and she has been such a great help. I really enjoy picking her brain, its so nice to have someone who has been through this before. I'm very thankful for her and all of her help.
Mom is working on another blog so the next one should be from her.....Hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving! Always be thankful for everything you have, count your many blessings!!!!

Making our baby

Today is 11-11-11 which means that if everything would have worked, today would have been our due date. For some this isn't a big deal but for me it means the world. So today for my blog I wanted to share our journey last February through IVF.

January 20th, medications were started and samples were given. We really had no idea what to expect as we began this journey. I remember on this day I started my journal. I began to write down everything that we were feeling and our fears and expectations. I remember when all my medication came in the mail. I got them all out and cried just from being so overwhelmed. The first night that we started the shots Charlie took a picture of me mixing all the meds. It was so crazy to know that the next few weeks this would be our life. I would take 2 shots in the morning and 4 shots at night.

We would go to the dr every 3-4 days for the ultrasound to monitor the eggs. I produced 16 eggs, 6 one one side and 10 on the other. After the first week of meds my belly began to grow. I looked about 5 months pregnant. I had to give the shots in my belly and I bruised so bad. After the third week I was about to lose it. I would cry from fear, and pain, and hormones. Charlie would just hold me and tell me it was all worth it. Im not sure where I would be without him.

Finally after about 4 weeks of shots and ultrasounds the dr said it was time to take out the eggs. We had to go to Indy to do this, Charlie and I didn't want to go by ourselves so we took both our moms. We are both very close with our parents and we knew we needed all the support we could. We are truly blessed to have the family that we do. Im not sure we would have made it out of this situation without them. We left on a Saturday afternoon and headed to Indy. Once there we went out to eat and tried to relax. I remember being so nervous but so glad that our family was there to make us laugh.

That night mom slept with me, I remember she rubbed my arm util I feel asleep, just like when I was little. When I woke up the next day she and a card for me from her and dad. She knew everything I would need that day. We got ready and when we stepped outside there was about 3 inches of snow. Since we had to be at the hospital at 6 (5 their time) we had to drive so slow, I didn't think we would ever get there. On the way we listen to "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder band. We cried the whole way. Once there I got all hooked up and was taken back to get those precious eggs taken out.

When I woke up Charlie was there to tell me that instead of 16 eggs I really had 19. Three of them had hidden in the ultrasound. I remember thinking how crazy it is that I had that many eggs. We were both so excited that we had so many eggs!!! The next day I got the call from the lab that said only 8 of the eggs fertilized, and we had to go back in 5 days to put two back in. We were thrilled that we had 8 eggs to work with!!!
 5 loooonnngggg days later we were back on the road to Indy. This time we left on a Friday night, we went through a horrible rain storm that turned into a even worse snow storm and then the last few miles became a ice storm. We were so glad to finally be there. The next morning we made our way back to the hospital, once again listening to The David Crowder Band "How He Loves" Once there Charlie got to go back with me. They gave us a picture of the two eggs that they were implanting. I cried and cried because they looked so precious to me. We went back and got to watch via ultrasound the eggs being implanted. It was the greatest feeling, watching those sweet little eggs trying to make us a family!!
I was on bed rest for 48 hours and on restrictions until the pregnancy test which was 8 days later.
The day after we got home we received a phone call from the lab that informed us that the remaining eggs did not freeze. Which meant that if these two eggs didn't take then we would be done. I cried and cried, we tried to have faith that the two inside me would take but it was so hard knowing we didn't have a safety net.

The night before the blood test, Charlie and I went through my journal and pictures and all the cards and letters from friends and families. We cried at how close we were to being parents yet the next day held our fate. I don't think either one of us slept that night at all. The next morning I made the drive to Evansville to get the test, they said it would take 2 hours. So I drove back to Charlie's work and picked him up. We sat in the car and waited for the call. After hours of waiting the phone finally rang. We could tell by the sound of her voice what the results were, but hearing the word "negative" was enough to make my heart stop. When I hung up the phone I just stared at Charlie, all he could do was say he was sorry. My sweet Charlie likes to keep his feelings to himself, which is not healthy. But at this point he lost it. There is nothing worse than watching the strongest man in the world break. I watched my husband break into a million pieces. Charlie loves me and would give me anything he could, this is the one thing he cant me and it kills him.
We went home and he just held me until we were both numb. I dont know if I could ever feel more pain than I felt that day. But we both knew that tomorrow would come and life would go on. So we got up and started putting the pieces together. We took a break from baby talk for a while until we were ready.

I wanted to share this experience with you because this is what made Charlie and I know that God is in control. We can do and try and beg and plead to get out way, but God has a bigger and better plan. Ive had a few people ask me how I can still love God through all of this. Not one time have Charlie or myself questioned God's love for us or our love for God. I have said time and time again that I would rather be in God's will and not get my way, then get my way and not be in God's will. I thank God daily for the this experience, we would not be the people we are today if it weren't for this. I love Charlie more today than I have ever loved him.

Oh the places you'll go!

Oh the places we've been should be more like it! Mom and I have been to many doctors appointments and clinics and have been able to tell our story to so many people! This "situation" that we are in has turned into a "opportunity" to tell others not only our story, but tell others about Jesus.

There are so many stories that we can tell about how God has placed the right people at the right time to hear what He is doing for us. The funny thing is they happen in the most amazing places. Mom got to tell her story to the lady who cleans her teeth. She was actually the first person she told, and the lady was so encouraging. Ive been able to tell my story at work when patients ask me about my PUSH bracelet. This is usually how the conversation gets started. My favorite thing about PUSH is its not just a saying for Charlie and I but can be used in ANY situation. Many people are praying for us but they are also PUSHing for situations in their own lives.

I feel that God is using us in so many ways as we go through this journey. He has blessed me so much through this blog. We do have lots of people who read this and pray for us. So I wanted to take this time tonight that when you read this you don't pray for Charlie and I but instead you pray for another couple that God has placed on our hearts, Matt and Emily.
Today mom had to go get a mammogram. While there she meet the sweet lady who did the exam. This is one of the last tests mom has to do before we get the 100% ok to go through with the surrogacy. So she asked the lady to make sure she doesn't miss anything because this was the last test she had to pass. The lady asked mom what these test are for and mom got to tell her our story. She also explained to her our PUSH bracelets. The lady teared up and told her about her son and daughter in law. The had a sweet little boy that 18 months ago passed away. Through tears she told mom what had happen and how hard it had been on their family. As they both sat crying, mom took off her bracelet and gave it to her. The lady just cried harder and told mom that she had no idea how much she needed that. She said she was going to visit them this weekend because this past Sunday would have been his third birthday, and she was going to give the bracelet to them. God placed my mom in the exact place at the exact time for this lady. Somewhere in Paducah, KY there is a lady wearing our PUSH bracelet (and maybe reading this right now) who is PUSHing for her kids who are hurting. So tonight please pray for this sweet family. Lift up Matt and Emily (and Matt's mom) in your prayers for peace and comfort, and as they choose to start an family again!

As hard as this experience is for Charlie and I, I feel that it is all worth it if our story helps at least one person. Its all worth it if our PUSH bracelet helps heal hearts. This is all worth it if GOD is being glorified and honored through it all.  This is all worth it if in the end we see just how great God is!!

Oh the what ifs........

This weekend was a little crazy and emotional. I got to spend some much needed time with my sweet family and friends. But sometimes even when I'm having a great time, something always happens that brings me back to reality. It just a few short months we will begin our great journey into this surrogacy and I'm so super excited and nervous. However the what ifs still play with my mind and sometimes lead me back into my little hole of crazy!
If all would have went well last February my two sweet little embryos would be getting ready to come into this earth. Our due date was November 11 2011, I remember thinking how crazy that will be to have our babies born on that date. I wrote this day down on every journal entry and every note I could find. I couldn't wait till 11/11/11. This was going to be the best day of my life. But instead of preparing myself for mother hood I am now dreading this day for I know the emotions it will bring. Instead of bringing home my precious bundle of joy I will be getting ready for another friends baby shower while my sweet little husband will be jumping for joy because this is "The Rut" and his little butt will be in the woods (which he is soooo excited about.) Not exactly how I planned on spending this time. But as Charlie says, we have to go on with our life and remember, Life goes on! November 11th will come and November 11th will go. And pretty soon January will be here and we can begin this journey. This isn't what I had planned on, this isn't how I picture becoming a mommy, but God is in control and I put my faith in Him. Please don't think I'm bitter or mad, just sometimes I have to open up and let out my frustrations out so I can begin to heal. My heart is almost finished with the healing process, only sometimes does little things such a dates reopen the wound. I ask for prayers for these next few weeks as this wound will start to heal and make room for many many happier things!! We have lots to be thankful for and lots of friends and family who have helped us through this time!!!
I wanted to also say a BIG thank you to all of you of have bought PUSH bracelets. I have about 30 more if you are interested! This has helped us out so much! And it brightens my day when I see people wearing these! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!

A note from Mom......

Tonight, Lynnie isn't writing...tonight, you get to hear from me,  Lynsey's mom.  Lynsey asked me several weeks ago to write for the blog, but, I wasn't sure I could put into words what I feel in my heart.  Also, I have been so blessed reading what God has laid on Lynsey's heart, that I wanted to continue receiving and not sharing. I'm a little different from Lynsey.  Her happy-go-lucky lifestyle absolutely amazes me!  She is an open book and sharing her thoughts come easy for her.  Me, I'm a little more reserved (until I get comfortable around you) and normally I don't share personal things in my life with people I don't know.  But, tonight, I want to share my side of the story.

     I have learned so much this past year from Lynsey and Charlie.  They don't know it, but through this difficult time in their lives they have demonstrated to me an honest, true love for God...in the good times and the bad.  So, I want to thank them for the example they have been to me.  

     Next,  I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for all the kind words you have shared with us!!!  We have received nothing but love, compassion, and support  as we begin this journey in our lives!!!  It's funny, I say BEGIN, but honestly, this isn't the beginning... This has been God's plan for a very, very long time.  We have been on the journey all our lives.  God has been putting the pieces of his plan together for years...We're just becoming aware of His plan! Isn't that amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!        

     I can honestly say...this was not the way I visioned my plan for Lynsey...

I'm no different from any other mom...when Lynsey was born, I wanted her to have a happy life!!  I wanted her to grow up, go to college, fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily ever after.  I wanted Lynsey to have everything her heart desired!  My job, as her mom, was to try and give her everything her heart desired.  When she was little doing that  wasn't too hard.  Back then, her desires were ice cream, oreo cookies, and pink leotards!!  Pretty easy!!!  Then, Lynsey started getting older and the things she wanted or desired weren't always what I could give her. 

     Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days of pink leotards...where life for Lynsey was easy.  But, that's not reality.  Reality is...our little ones grow up.  Reality is...mom's and dad's can't give their kids everything they desire.  Reality is...Life gets more and more difficult.  Reality is... the doctor has told my daughter and son-in-law that Lynsey can't carry their child.  Reality is... my daughter's hearts desire is to have a baby!  Reality is...our family has been forced to face a situation we never dreamed we would have to face.  And reality is...God's word says..."Commit your plans to the Lord, and they will succeed" proverbs 16:3. 

     When Lynsey and Charlie told us about their doctor appointment, September 8, 2011...My heart was broken!!  I couldn't hardly look at my little girl...because I wanted soooo badly to say I can fix this.  But, in my heart, I knew that was impossible! However, the longer she talked, I began to realize, God was putting into place a way for me to be the vessel to give my child what she desired most in her life...a baby of her own.   

     Please don't think I am or our family is anything special.  I am just a mom who loves her little girl and would do anything for her.  God has given me and our family a peace about all this that I couldn't explain if I even tried.  My prayer is that God would slam the door if we aren't supposed to continue on.  But, right now, the doors are standing WIDE open!!  God has given us numerous signs to continue forward and that is what we plan to do.  I have nothing but joy in my heart knowing God's still in control and in charge of the plan for Lynsey and Charlie!!  We don't know the outcome...but, God does!  Please continue to pray for our family... Lynsey and Charlie, Cathy and Ryan, Donnie, and myself...  Miracles happen every today...AND, WE BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!

    

Worry...Worry...Worry

Wow this past week has been crazy! We found out mom can carry our baby, now I feel like its time for me to start my worrying! If you know me you know that's my best quality, I tend to worry about everything! This week I'm super excited about our news and everyone who is praying and thinking about us. We couldn't do this without the support of our family and friends. I was nervous about telling everybody but to my surprise we have so many people on our side and our lifting us up in prayer! But my worry is kicking in! I'm nervous about the meds, and the eggs, and the procedure, and the transfer, and mom, and Charlie...it goes on and on! I can sometimes sit and worry about every little detail. I looked back on some pictures right after Charlie and I got married. I just cried and cried wishing I could get in that picture and tell us what to expect and how hard its going to be. And then I wish my future self would come into this picture and tell me how great it is then, and to hold on its all going to be ok. But life doesn't work that way. We have to have faith that God knows what He is doing and I have to trust that God is looking in on us right now and saying "Its going to be OK, I promise!" I know its all going to be ok and i know we can do this. We've made it this far, we can keep going on. Sometimes it just helps to let it all out!!!!
On a lighter note I have ordered some PUSH bracelets which should be here this week. They are teal and black and we are going to sell them for $5. This will help with some expense plus remind people to pray until something happens!!!!! Thank you so much for your prayers and support...God is so good!!

BTW- GO CARDINALS!!!!!

Step two is done...you know what that means!!!!

So the second step in the testing for our surrogate is finished, and she passed with flying colors!!! We were so excited! Dr. Gentry doesnt see any reason why she cant be our surrogate. Today was filled with LOTS of paperwork and bloodwork. We left the doctors office with tears in our eyes because this is actually happening! So now you know what this means??? Its time to tell you who our our surrogate is!
I was thinking the other day what qualifies a good mommy? What do you have to have to have to be good at it? Compassion, affection, understanding? Do you have to be a good cook, or be outgoing? Do you have to love them so much that you would give them the world if you could? Of course all these things make a great mom. I sometimes wonder if I will carry these qualities when im a mom. I think back to my own mother and all that she did for me. My mom had me at the young age of 18, she gave up her life so that I could have one. She is a compassionate and understanding women, she cared for me and still went on the college to get her degree. She loves me with all her heart and all her soul. There is not anything in this world she wouldnt do for me, including carry my baby! She not only gave me life, she is willing to do it again but this time she will give birth to her grandbaby. Yes, the most amazing women in the world is willing to sacrifice her world AGAIN for me!
My mother, Robyn is my surrogate! She has gracioulsy offfered to do this for Charlie and I. I remember when we came home from the dr appoinment a couple of weeks ago and told my parents what he had said. Mom just sat there and cried and said "ill do it." Knowing the kind of mom she is I knew she would offer because she wants us to be happy. I was afraid at first that she was just doing it out of obligation. But after a few days we prayed about it and asked God to close this door if this isnt what He wanted. Every door has been opened and when we walk through them we have peace! As im writing this im still in shock that this is what will happen! Will I ever be able to thank her? Will she ever know what joy she will bring? I cant wait to tell our sweet little baby what her grandma did for her/him. I cant wait to tell them how great our God is!! Is this crazy? YES! But I know its GOD!!!!!
We are hoping to do the process in January/Febuary of 2012. We will be using our fertilized eggs, so this baby will have our DNA. WOW it feels really good to have it out there and to know that prayers can be started for Charlie, Mom, Dad and myself. Please pray for God's will to be done all the way to the end. We want God to get all the glory in this time of our life!