Step one is done!

The process of getting our surrogate prepared has started. Today we went to one of our many doctor appointments. We went to her OBGYN for her yearly exam (which has to be negative to continue) and we both wanted to discuss some questions we had. We were both so nervous because we want to do this so badly! The nurse and the doctor at first both seemed kind of shocked. They had never done anything with a surrogate before. He had some reservations at first but once he realized we were very serious and have thought it through he was all for it. He told us she should have no problems being our surrogate! We were both so excited! We go next week to our fertility doctor, Dr.Gentry to do a minor procedure and a consult to go over everything! We have prayed that God shut...no SLAM the door on this if it isn't what He wants and right now he seems to have the door wide open. Please be in prayer for us and we continue this journey.
Its seems so surreal right now, like this may actually happen. That we may still have a chance to have a baby of our own. Our surrogate has given us HOPE, she is giving us a lifeline to fulfill our dreams. If you don't know what it is like to not have hope your a blessed person. I feel that when you have no hope its like all the bad emotions wrapped in one, its grief, it's anger, its fear, its sadness, its confusion, and there is nothing you can do about it. At the end of our last IUI I realized we can not get pregnant without God. There is nothing I can say or a medicine I can take to make this happen. It can only happen with God. This can be scary because I am a person that seeks instant satisfaction. I wanted it yesterday, and I need to know why I don't have it now. But since this surrogate has stepped up, she has given us hope that we lost.
I decided to look up the definition of hope, these are a few I came across. When these definitions came up I teared up because they each are what I feel when I think of this situation.
HOPE is:To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment
HOPE is:The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good
HOPE is:Difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help
HOPE is:Trust; confidence
HOPE is:A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment
I know that our surrogate will be reading this so I wanted her to know that you are giving us hope thought we had lost. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives!

My other half

Ive noticed that in my blogs Ive talked about all the support from our families but Ive forgotten to mention my biggest fan. The man who has made all my dreams come true. The man who makes me the happiest girl in the world. My prince charming...Charlie!
If you know Charlie and I you know that we are so opposite! Charlie is very laid back, nothing gets him upset. He never gets mad, never is impatient with me, never worries about anything (but money) I on the other hand am total opposite. I stress about everything, I'm a little over the top, I am a very impatient person, I am loud and crazy. We are total opposite people, however we fit together perfectly! God knew what he was doing when he put us together! Charlie has always been an amazing husband and friend. But when we started this journey, Charlie went from amazing to glorious!
I remember when we started doing the IUI's I would give myself the shots and where was Charlie? Right beside me holding my hand. When I would cry because of pain he would reassure me that it was worth it! When we moved on to IVF I was doing up to 6 shots a day. And there he was holding my hand helping me out. One night while I was giving my shots after the first one I lost it! I cried from pain, I cried from the emotions and I cried because I was so overwhelmed!!! Charlie who is deathly afraid of needles grabbed the needle and stuck it in! He then took the other needles and began giving me my shots one by one! When he finished he put his forehead on mine and said "From now on ill do the shots!" And he did, every single one from then until now. He has held my hand through every procedure, through every sickness, through every difficult doctor visit and has never let go.  He has let me do whatever I want to get this baby, and I know he will continue on because for whatever reason my happiness means more to him than anything!
I wonder sometime how I got so lucky, because there are plenty of times that I take advantage of him!

Charlie loves me so much, he puts me first! He wants me to be a mommy more than anything! I know he would do anything to make this happen! I know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him!!! I recently heard the new song by Martina McBride called "I'm gonna love you through it" and I know this is how Charlie feels about what we are going through. It goes.....

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

I thank God everyday for Charlie, he is the most amazing man. I cant wait to see what kind of father he will be because if he is anything like he is a husband it will be one lucky child!!!

up, up , up, down, down, down

I'm up one minute then I'm down the next! This is such an emotional ride, I'm excited and ready for the journey. And then all of sudden panic sets in and all I see are pregnant people everywhere sharing their news! It was even on every TV show we turned on. I'm usually not a jealous person but in this case I'm so jealous I can hardly see straight! It's so hard to be happy for someone who has the only thing you want! Because I mostly feel like such a horrible person for thinking this way! You want to be happy for the people you love and care for but they have no idea the pain and trials that your experiencing. Unless you have been in this situation you cant imagine the pain that takes place. Charlie tells me each time that one day it will be our turn, and I know it will! I know one day ill look back on this day and say "It was all worth it!"
For the past few days we've gone over and over our options. Right now we are going to let our possible surrogate get tested and see if she can do it. We get really excited about it and then something will happen to bring us down. People aren't going to understand this. People are not going to agree with what we are doing. But I'm not here to please people, I'm here to please God. And if he is leading us to have a baby through a surrogate then that is what I will do. Ive been struggling with this these past few days. Today I decided to call Dr.Gentry's office to see what steps we have to take to make this happen. I talked with our nurse Bea and told her what we think we will do and she gave me all the information. While I was talking to her she was so excited about what we are doing. She instantly became my guardian angel, she said everything that I needed to hear. She made me feel like if this is what God wants then this will work! She offered to do anything and everything she could to make this right! God put her in my life at the exact time I needed it! She put my mind at ease and said that she was excited to go on this journey with us! Thank you God for Bea!!!
These next few weeks are going to bring some ups and downs, I can only imagine how many more emotions are going to get thrown in! I pray for peace, I pray for knowledge, I pray that negative comments wont get in the way of God's plan for us, I pray for our possible surrogate, I pray for my wonderful husband who has to deal with these "ups and downs", I pray God's will over this time in our lives!

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

There are a few things in life that I'm afraid of some of those are: spiders, heights,snakes,mice,spiders(yes I know I already said it but I hate them so much it deserves to be noted twice). Besides spiders I'm most afraid of failure, I once heard someone say that if you could do anything and knew you wouldn't fail what would it be? I automatically said IVF, again. Why? Because I know it would work, I know without a shadow of a doubt that we would be holding our baby at the end of the process.
Fear is a "spirit" and if we let it, it will control us. So God offers three better options, power, love and sound mind. I know sitting at home waiting for a baby to fall in our lap isn't going to happen. We have to get up and get out. We have to put our name out there, we have to listen to the doctors.  We cant let fear control our decisions.And right now I feel that is what I am doing. I honestly feel God leading us toward surrogacy, which will be an amazing experience for us and for the surrogate. However I let the fear of how crazy it is or what people will say lead me against it! We have someone in mind and in time if this is what God wants then we will share her with everyone! She is offering to do something so amazing and so selfless. But I still sit at home and worry about everything, will it go ok? Will she be ok? Can she do it? This consumes my thoughts. WHY? Because I'm not in control! And if you know me you know I'm a control freak!!! I have to make sure I know the next step to make. But when you put your faith in God you cant be in control! I don't know what the right choice is, but God does and I hope the answer falls right in my lap! I pray for peace and clarity to make the right choice!
 I saw on a surrogate shirt that said a certain religion didn't believe in surrogacy, it then said "glad that rule wasn't around when Jesus was born." After all Jesus was born to a surrogate...something to think about!

He's got the whole world in his hands!

Remember the song from Sunday school, "He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands." Such a sweet song. Tonight my sweet little Daylee was singing this song, there is nothing sweeter than listening to the innocence of her sing this song. She has to go through the whole family which is even sweeter because she doesn't leave anyone out! My favorite part is when she says "He's got Lynnie and Charlie in his hands" Because he does!!! I just teared up at how true that is....He has Charlie and I in his hands! She also sings "He's got the "wittle bitty" babies in his hands" and I thought God has Charlie and I in one hand and our "wittle bitty" baby in the other. God already knows what our baby looks like, where it will come from, if it will be our DNA or someone else....HE KNOWS!!!! What a great reassurance that we will one day have a baby of our own! God is already holding our baby, He can already tell if it has my nose and Charlie's beautiful blue eyes, HE KNOWS!!!! I know God is preparing this sweet bundle of joy for our CRAZY. He is preparing a baby that has Charlie's laid back attitude with a little touch of my bubbly personality! I could guess all day what it will look or be like but I know that there will be a day when we hold the baby that has been in our hearts all this time! Thank you Lord for holding our sweet baby till its time for us to hold it!

Nobody said it was easy.....

I heard a Coldplay song yesterday and it has been in my head all day. It says "Nobody said it was easy, now one ever said it would be hard." That couldn't be more true, this is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. I wasn't sure if blogging about this experience was the right thing to do, but after I posted yesterday I knew it was! There are no words to say that can even begin to express how grateful we are for your support! It is not easy to put into words the things that we are going through. Thank you for the emails, text and words of encouragement that came flying in! We have received all kinds of information on adoption and surrogacy and we are so grateful!  
Please keep us in your prayers on September 27th. We have some appointments that day and we are asking for good results, God willing! We are praying that God slams doors shut that He doesn't want us to go through and props open the ones he wants us to run through! :) God is moving around this situation I'm so grateful He chose us to help!

When God closes a door, He opens a window

Well today God closed a door....and now I'm waiting for a window to open somewhere! The adoption agency from Indy called and told us that they did not do out of state adoptions. I was really excited about this place because we have friends who have used it and had success. Sometimes its hard to let a door close that you were looking forward to going through! We have to pray about what God is telling us and what we should do. I know God is working I can feel it!
I cant express how blessed we are to have such supportive parents. Who are just as excited as we are to see what God has planned for us! There is nothing sweeter than sharing your dreams to your parents and having them shower you with love and support! I ask for prayers for them as this decision will affect them as well.
I know that if your reading this blog its because you love and care for Charlie and I, and for that I am greatful! I do pray that as you read you will be able to see how great our God is and all that is done for Charlie and I is from Him and for His glory!!!

What to do, What to do? Go to John 11:22

So here we are 2 choices, surrogacy or adoption. Each option is fine with us, we have to sit down and do pros and cons about each. I have sent in our information to an adoption agency in Indy. We want to go and see what they say. At least this way we will be able to know what we have to do and how much it will cost. Surrogacy on the other hand is something so crazy it could only be God! We have someone in mind for surrogacy but until we know for sure we are praying so hard that she will know this is what God wants her to do! I ask that prayers for her and her decision. I keep going back to John 11:22 which says "But even now I know that whatever you ask of God, God will give you."

We are praying for the right answer, the right direction, and the right path. We have to remember that God is faithful! We are very blessed to have amazing families who support our decisions. We have told both of our families who couldn't have been more supportive of either decision we make!Tonight after we told Charlie's family we all held hands and just prayed for the right answer. Our 2 year old niece Daylee said she wanted Lynnie and Charlie to have a baby, out of the mouths of babes! I hope that these blogs will be my stress reliever, to be able to write down how I feel! I cant wait to see what God has in store. Either we will have a surrogate carry our child which will be AMAZING or we will bring home a baby that otherwise wouldn't have a wonderful life! I feel like this is a win win situation!

In the beginning.....

I decided to start this blog for many reasons. One of them is to tell "Our" story.Charlie and I meet 9 years ago. We dated for 4 years before we got engaged. We were married 2 years later. We have a great life together. We have wonderful parents and wonderful friends. We live at home with our dog Maddie. Everything in our lives is pretty much perfect....only one thing is missing, a baby! Charlie and I have tried for 2 years to conceive a child. We have been to two fertility doctors, done numerous IUI's and one IVF. This past week we found out that our chances of conceiving on our own is pretty much gone. Our doctor says our only option is adoption or surrogacy. I decided to start this blog to document our journey. This road is going to be long and emotional. Our journey thus far has been crazy, we sometimes just have to sit down and laugh. (Which is another reason I started this blog)

PUSH-Pray Until Something Happens- I was reading a Karen Kingsbury book when I came across this saying. I immediately knew this was our theme for this season of our lives! We truly believe that if we pray something WILL happen! God has a plan for us and we cant wait to see what it is!