October 16, 2012

Well yet again we are approaching another due date. Had everything worked out (in our favor) mom and I would be preparing for the births of our babies. We implanted 4 embryos but in my head and my heart ( and based on numbers) I believe mom has two of my babies and I had one. However we look at next Tuesday we will not be celebrating birthdays instead we will be remembering our babies and what would have been. This time I'm not dreading this day, I'm a little anxious but I know God has a plan and I know that he loves us unconditionally and he will give me the comfort that no one else can!

Also October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Please be in prayer for all women who have lost babies for it is the most painful experience.

On Monday October 15th at 7:00 I am asking that you will join us in lighting a candle for our babies. This is a worldwide event and if each person lights a candle at 7:00 there will be a wave of light across each time zone. We won't get to light birthday candles but we will light memory candles because those babies have truly changed my life. I will forever be great full for what I've been through and for what God is teaching me. Please light a candle for our babies!


I was suggested a book to read by a fellow lady who has been through everything we've been through and has now adopted a beautiful baby boy. The book is called couples who long for children. It's a devotion book and it has been such a blessing to me. I've been reading it on my days off and have seen so much of my experiences in the pages. I've come to realize a few things. First, I'm NOT bring punished my God!!! For a while I kept thinking what sin have I not asked for forgiveness for that God is allowing such heartache in my life? I've asked Charlie the same thing, " what haven't you asked forgiveness for?" I've been to numerous people and asked for their forgiveness for wrong doings I've done to them. I've begged for forgiveness pleaded for answers and still nothing. But this book says this is God's plan, not punishment!!!! I've had to stop and tell myself this over and over and over. It's not a punishment it's a plan!! Someone else got pregnant because that's Gods plan for them. We can't get pregnant because this is Gods plan for us. We're waiting for our mountain to move so that God can shine through.
Because of this book I've had time to stop and apologise to God for my temper, my doubt, and placing blame on him. I've rejoiced at the fact that God chose us to carry such a witness to others about his greatness, his timing and mostly his love!! Because God loves Charlie and I more than anything and is waiting till just the right time to bless us!!!
Please keep us in your prayers as we go through next week! It's a couple of days that we will give thanks for what God is doing and praise him in the bad times as well! We still haven't got " the call" yet but I'd appreciate your prayers for that too! God bless!!!

Come on moutain.....MOVE!!

 

Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. ²² If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:21

 

 

I was listening to KLOVE the other day on my way to work and a song came on called "only a mountain" by Jason Castro. The chorus says                                                                                         This is only a mountain
You don’t have to find your way around it
Tell it to move, it’ll move
Tell it to fall, it’ll fall
This is only a moment
You don’t have to let your fear control it
Tell it to move, it’ll move
Tell it to fall, it’ll fall

 

I was listening to this song as I was pulling into work the other morning and all I could think was "Have I told my mountain to move" I mean here Ive been praying for God to bless us with a baby

 but have I told my mountain to move and let God bless us. Do I have the faith to believe that my mountain will move and that God will give us what we have prayed for??? So as I was pulling into work I began to tell my mountain to move, I begged an pleaded and and finally I was screaming at the top of my lungs "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!! Ive been standing behind this mountain for too long and I want my baby, my God is bigger than you" I screamed it over and over and over again in the car. Saying it is one the thing, but here is the hard part, FAITH: "complete trust or confidence in something or someone"

 

Do I have the complete trust and confidence that my mountain will move and God will bless me? Some days I feel my faith is better than other days but I have found that my faith sometimes is a little on the weak side. I have enough faith to get me so far and then I panic. I have enough faith that I have reduced my hours at work, I have pretty much put together a room for a baby and I am mentally and physically preparing my heart and home for a baby. But when it comes down to it do I have the faith to tell my mountain to move and it will? This has been on my mind lately and Ive been praying and praying for the faith to get me through. It seems that all that stands between us and a baby is my faith. But if having faith wasn't so hard it wouldn't be so worth it right?

 

So once again I'm telling my mountain to move, to step aside, to crumble, to do whatever to get out of the way so my God can bless Charlie and I. We have been in this valley for far to long and we are exhausted! We are continuing to pray daily for a miracle and having the faith to believe that he hears us and will bless us with a baby very, very soon!

 

I cant begin to tell you thank you for all of the support we continue to have. Thank you so much for the encouraging cards, texts and kind words. Those are the things that get us through the "waiting" part. One day soon we will get our call I just our call I just know it. I cant wait to write that blog!!!!

 

 

 

Waiting......it's the hardest part!

Adoption application....check.

Portfolio for birth mom.....check
Home study completed.... Check
Ok so everything is completely finished so what's next? WAITING! It's the worst part for me. Because as most of you know I'm not a patient person! My social worker said it best " patience isn't something you learned, you just learn to tolerate it" and that is the truth! I have no other choice but to wait!

We have turned everything in and now we are just waiting for the phone call that lets us know we have a birth mom. After that we could possibly meet her and then if she chooses us we will soon take home her baby. I find myself constantly checking my phone ( just in case)

Charlie won't let me do too much to the baby's room. Just in case it takes a while. I on the other hand can't wait to get started. Right now we have a bassinet, swing, pack n play and jump a ro. Charlie says we can get more when we have a birth mom. As frustrated as I get with him I understand he doesn't want anymore disappointment for me which makes him so sweet.

Part of the deal with GLAD is that the first year with the baby I have to be part time. If you know Charlie he kinda of freaked out about cutting my paycheck in half. However after prayer we decided that God has taken care of us this far we trust he will continue to bless us. We have to walk by faith and trust in him. So I went ahead and told work that I needed to cut hours and that I understand it usually takes a while and that was ok because we didn't know when we would get a baby. The next day my boss came to me and told me a girl from the clinic was let go because they closed it down and if I was serious about cutting my hours they were going to give them to her. I panicked but I knew that it had to be God because it all happened too perfect. So in September I will just be working two days a week. When the baby gets here it will be nice but right now I'm a little nervous of the to e I will have on my hands. I pray we get this baby soon do I can spend as much time with it as possible.

We continue to ask for prayers for Charlie and I as we prepare for this journey. We are very anxious to receive " the call " and pray that we can provide a loving a godly home for this baby. Also keep our birth mother in your prayers who ever she may be. I can't imagine what she is going through and I pray that she may have peace in her decision.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. We are very lucky to have such amazing friends and family!!!

Under construction!!!

So this past week has been super crazy! I finished my portfolio and sent it in and finally finished all of our papers for the home study. On top of all that we are putting in new floors!!! The house has been all torn apart. We removed the bathroom carpets and replaced them with new laminate. And now we are removing the carpets, they will be replaced on Tuesday! Whew, I'm worn out just writing that!! We want our house to be just as beautiful as the baby we bring home!

We met with our social worker Friday. She is very laid back lady and has been through the adoption process her self twice. She went over the things we have to have and the questions she is going to ask us. The biggest question for us is, "who gets the baby, if something happens to us?" I don't know how to tell her that the list of who will want our baby and who will take care of him/her is a mile long!!! :) we have so many people in our lives that I know would be great with baby Day. Please pray for us as we make that decision. Our social worker also is going to work with us on finding a birth mother. Her agency has just started working with birth mom's and they don't have as many as GLAD does but it gives us a greater chance of getting a baby faster. Its kind of like we have two feet in two doors, which ever opens up first we will take. :)She will be at Our house for the second part if the home study on July 25th. Once this is completed we are ready to bring home our baby!

I recently bought a bassinet, swing and pack n play from a really good friend. She was getting ready to sell it and I thought it would go great in nursery. You have no idea how it felt bringing that home. I've dreamed of the day that baby stuff would fill our home and it's actually happening!! I cannot wait to watch my baby sleep and swing and play. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the happiness this child will bring.

As of right now we dont have a birth mon yet. But i still find myself thinking a lot about the her. At night when I can't sleep I just think about who she is, is she pregnant yet, is she scared, is she ok?? I pray for her every chance I get, she is the one who is holding my sweet baby for me and I want her to feel God's presence in her life. I want her to have peace and joy knowing giving up her baby will bring such joy to our life!! Please pray everyday for our birth mother, that she doesn't loose hope and that she has peace about her decision.

Dear Lord,
I pray right now for the women who is carrying my child. I pray that not matter her situation she will fill your presence all around her. If she is scared place your arms around her and know she is loved. Please keep her safe and guide her through her pregnancy. Thank you Lord for your miracles!
Amen

There will never be any way to thank everyone who has helped us these past few years! Your devotion to praying for Charlie and I is beyond amazing! I pray that God blesses each of you for what you've done for us!!!!

May the baby we hold in our heart one day be in our arms!

Well after much prayer and consideration, Charlie and I have decided to adopt a sweet and deserving baby. We are currently on our way to becoming parents.

We are using an agency is Evansville called GLAD. They have been so amazing! I have spent so much time preparing a portfolio for the birth mother to look at. This will help her in her decision. We both had to write an autobiography and answer questions about our personalities and our childhood. Then I put lots of pictures of our family, our hobbies, our vacations, and our lifestyle. It was a lot of work but in the end it looked amazing and I was both proud and exhausted when I turned it in.

We meet with our social worker next Friday and turn in all of our paperwork which includes background checks, letters of reference( which by the way melted my heart from each person who wrote a letter for us) and financial information. After next Friday we will have a home study, which is the the part I dread the most. After all of this we will officially be ready for a baby.

I turned my application last Wednesday. On Thursday I revived a call from them that said a girl was coming in that afternoon and she wanted me to go ahead a write a birth mother letter and send in some pictures. She is due in August and wanted a family with no kids. I panicked, I quickly wrote a letter and sent in some pictures and in the end she didn't pick us. But this made me realize how I needed to get our pirtfolio in so the next one could possible pick us. It also made me realize just how real this is and how quickly our life could change. To be honest with you, I became so excited. To just think that I could be a mommy makes my heart melt.

I decided to continue our blog with our new journey in our fight for a baby. I know God will bless this journey as he has before. I am asking for your continued prayers for not only us but for our future baby and the birth mother. This will be a difficult decision for her and I pray that God puts her at peace with her choice.
I am also asking that if you know of anyone who is in a situation and doesn't want their baby that you think if us. Its very hard to get on here and ask that but I feel that if we don't ever ask we may never see what God can do. So please let us know of anybody who may be in this position.

Again I think you so much for all your love and support. Our baby will have so much love they won't know what to do with it all. God bless

Summer fun and decision making!

Well it's been almost four months since our miscarriage and most days it feels like years. We have both enjoyed these past few months together and it has been enjoyable "not trying" to have a baby. We both needed this time to breath and reciprocate from the past few years!!!

But being the woman I am I'm still trying to figure out what's next. I've been praying for God to lead us in the right direction. I've gone over all our options and prayed over them and each day I change my mind on what to do next. All the while hoping we just get pregnant on our own. I realized over the past few months that all I really want is a baby, any way I can get it, even if it's not our DNA!

I feel like I've done very well dealing with the announcements of our friends who are expecting and I'm just hoping it will be our turn next! A few weeks ago there was a couple in our church that took in a baby that their family couldn't take care of. I just cried because I thought why can't someone just knock on our door with a baby. I realized then that I would take any baby I could get! Just to be a mommy!! I told Charlie maybe we should put out an ad out for anyone who knows someone who doesn't want their baby we will take it:))) as funny as it sounds it's the truth, we are sooo ready to be patents! ( yes, we will take any baby that nobody wants, but we do want it to be legal...just in case you read this and thought I would go all crazy and steal one....;))

So this brings me to my prayer requests. I am currently working on our application for adoption and at the same time I'm working on our application for a grant to help us pay for our transfer if our embryos. I feel like I should at least try both and see what God can do. We are along for prayers on both of these things. We will be happy either way God leads us but we want to go the way He wants us to. Please be praying for our embryos that we may or may not put in. Please pray for our possible baby that may be brought into our lives and for the mother who will give it to us! Lots of things to pray for I know but we will continue to PUSH until our prayers are answered or until God takes this desire out of my heart. And right now the desire is in there do far I'm bursting with joy at the possibility to be a mommy!!!!

Thank you got your continued prayers for Charlie and I as we continue to do Gods will and bring Him all the glory!!!!

"for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord......."

Mothers Day

Mother's day is coming up, and yes it's a hard day for me ( and Charlie). This will be the third Mothers day that I will celebrate with the thought of "maybe next year I'll be a mommy." This year will be a little different because for a short time I was a mommy and next Sunday I will remember and cherish those few weeks when all my dreams came true. I will give thanks for the time that God answered our prayers and celebrate the fact that one day we will be celebrating Mother's day with babies everywhere!!! I hope that my sweet babies in heaven are proud of the mommy they would of had down here and are anxiously awaited the day that I will meet them. I often dream about that day and get excited to know that no matter what happens down here with our fertility issues one day I'll meet my babies!!! Praise Jesus!!!!

Now, I will not just be celebrating the short time I was a mommy; I will also be celebrating the many many wonderful years I've spent with my mom. This year our celebration will be bittersweet. Even though she didn't carry out the pregnancy of her grandchildren, she was gracious and so humble that she gave up her body so that Charlie and I could be parents.There are not enough ways to say "thank you" enough. So this Mother's day I get to spend time with my mom and try to shower her with love and cherish all the memories we've created over the past few months. Both good and bad memories are times that I wouldn't give up for the world. I have a bond with my mom that no one can ever break. I will forever be thankful for her sacrifices she has made and the one sacrifice she tried to make for my husband and I.
There is a quote that I found that reminds me of my mom, it says "you've never really lived unless you have done so something for someone who can never repay you" My mom can say that she has lived because what she did for me my whole life including these past few months I can never ever repay her. I only hope and pray that I'm half as good a mom as she was to me. Happy Mother's day mom I love you!!!

I will also be celebrating Mother's day with my sweet mother in law. Even though she didn't raise me, she raised the most important man in my life. It's because of her that my husband is so wonderful to me. She taught him just how great you should treat your wife. I'm forever grateful for the wonderful Christian women that she is! I'm grateful for a mother in law who I know loves me as her own. I know without a doubt she prays without ceasing for Charlie and myself and her future grand babies. I'm truly blessed with a wonderful mother in law!

There are so many this mothers day that I am grateful to have in my life. My Gram, my Mamaw in heaven, Charlie's Mamaw and my sister in law. All great moms who deserve recognition this Mother's day. I'm grateful for each of these sweet women who are all great moms and wonderful christian women who have all impacted my life.

So looking back this Mother's day will be hard but man I'm so so blessed and I know that one day I will get to join these ladies in celebrating this wonderful and much deserving day. I can't wait to be a mommy!!!!!