Oh how He loves us

A few years ago I was driving to work and listening to KLOVE and a lady was on talking about how she and her husband had just gotten married and she found out she was pregnant. She was so upset because they wanted to wait to have children but she was listening to KLOVE and heard The David Crowder Band song "How He loves" and she knew all would be ok. She said that her baby was brought into this world while that song was playing, she cried and cried at how much God loved her so much he gave her such a wonderful gift. I was crying right along with her and decided right then and there that when my baby was brought in this world he/she would be born with that song playing. It kinda became our theme song for IVF last year, we listen to that song before going into the retrieval and before going to do the transfer. After it didn't work I kind a put that song in the back of my head. When it came on the radio I turned it, when it played on my IPOD I skipped it. It brought back too many bad memories. It wasn't until last week when I was looking through pinterest and found this picture....

Its the lyrics to the song "How He loves" when I saw this I instantly started crying. God put this in my path. I posted it to my facebook page and went to moms page to tell her about it and noticed that 2 hours earlier she had posted the exact same thing....God wink!!! I immediately knew that I could listen to that song again. And I did and once again God began to work in my heart, I began to get excited about this process and know that at the end when the doctor puts that baby on my chest and in the background I hear,
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves
We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way He loves

I get goosebumps at just how amazing that will be, all of this will be worth it and we will know that no matter what, He loves us...He really really loves us!!!!!! I cant wait to start this journey again and have this as our them song once more. God is so good and He has great things in store for us!!

On another note: I started my meds last Saturday and these past few days have been very difficult! My hormones are CRAZY! Im CRAZY! I tend to cry and scream and then cry again because I feel bad for screaming and then I start all over again!!! Its been a looonnnggg few days over here, so I will now ask for ALL prayers to go to Charlie! Bless his heart he has been a trooper but everything he says and does (because of the meds and no other reason) is wrong. I yell at him a lot, but he takes it and he helps me out and calms me down. These next few weeks are gonna be crazy and emotional and he seems to be ready! Please pray for him to continue to have patience and for my hormones to take a break. You may want to throw in a prayer for my dad because mom starts this same meds tomorrow......

We really do appreciate all the prayers and kind words that everyone has given us! We are really blessed to have such amazing people in out lives. This journey is underway and in just a few short weeks we will be implanting little "babies" we are so excited that God has placed this journey in front of us and that He has chosen us to fulfill His will!!!!

Time of Praise

I wanted to start this time in our life the right way, with thanks and praise......

Tomorrow I start the first of MANY medications. Mom doesn't start hers until the 28th. We have appreciated all the prayers and uplifting words, and right now is when we are asking for them the most! This is it, the time we have prayed and worried and wondered about. The time is now, we are starting the most incredible journey and there is no turning back. God has opened this door and we are ALL walking through it. Please continue to remember our whole family in this journey, even though they are not physically going through this they are mentally going through this with us. When we hurt, they hurt, when we cry, they cry. I pray that God gives them the words to use to help us through this journey.

I have said it before and I will say it again no matter the outcome of this process, we will give God the glory and be happy for whatever He gives us. So today I want to stop and share praise and thanksgiving that is only found in His word......Thank you Lord for this journey, for it is in you that I find my strength!

Psalm 100:4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;
I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. —Psalm 9:1

The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me;
to one who orders his way rightly
I will show the salvation of God!”—Psalm 50:23

Willingly I will sacrifice to Thee; I will give thanks to Thy name, O Lord, for it is good.---Psalm 54:6
It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
to sing praises to your name, O Most High; —Psalm 92:1

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving, Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.---Psalm 95:2

Sing to the LORD, bless His name; Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day.---Psalm 96:2
Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous,
and give thanks to his holy name!—Psalm 97:12

Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works! —Psalm 105:1-2

Willingly I will sacrifice to Thee; I will give thanks to Thy name, O Lord, for it is good. ---Psalms 116:10
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.—Philippians 4:6

In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God ...1 Thessalonians 5:18


Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.—Psalm 43:4

Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works! —Psalm 105:1-2

Dear Lord,
We come to you tonight asking your blessing and your comfort over these next weeks. Please be with mom and I as we take this next step. Please continue to give us peace that only comes from you. We ask that you walk with us through each step, hold our hands and guide our hearts as we do your will. We want you to have ALL the glory and honor from this and we pray you use every last drop of us in your name! Thank you Jesus for all we have and all you have done for us. Thank you Lord for the opportunity to share your word and your name to others. We praise your name in all things! We ask all of this in Jesus wonderful name.
AMEN

God Winks......

My mom has a book called "God Winks". Its a book about the little things that happen in life that when you look back you know it had to be God. Its the little things in life that give you goose bumps, or otherwise known as "God Bumps". Today was one of those days that God winked on mom and I.
Yesterday Charlie had his appt to give his blood work and finalize all our papers. He is now completely finished with his part. We now focus on mom and I. So today we went to meet with Dr. Gentry's nurse Bea, to go over our medicines, our schedule and any questions we had. We were both a little nervous about what to expect. For me I knew we would leave there overwhelmed because its a lot to take in at one time. When we arrived we went back to a room and Bea went over mom's schedule first, the medicine she would be taking and when and how long. Then it was on to me, we went over my meds and why I needed them and what they did. She was so informative and helpful. We first noticed that Dr. Gentry is giving me so many more meds to help the pregnancy stay than our other doctor did. It seems to me that Dr.Gentry has it a little more together than our other doctor, and after today that was confirmed. Dr. Gentry has me on lots of meds to help with the antibodies. There is a very good chance that if we put eggs in me they will take. It very well may be that mom and I could be pregnant together!

After an amazing and very informative meeting, I gave Bea our Christmas card, which has this blog address on it. I wanted her to be able to read this and keep up with how we view things. She was so glad to see it and even said "Yes,pray until something happens, it 's what we have to do." She then got up and went to her office and brought me a copy of a bible study called Still Waiting by Elizabeth Robertson. She was a patient of Dr. Gentry's and wrote this bible study for women who are struggling with fertility. She gave me her personal copy so I can have it over the holidays to keep my mind occupied on God and how great He is!! GOD WINKED!!!!! He knew exactly what I needed when I needed it! For the next 30 minutes we just sat and talked about how great our God is and how He will see us through this! You have no idea how great it is to be going to a fertility clinic who knows the REAL creator, and I can share my beliefs with them and know that I have Godly women who work there!

The best part of this day was when Bea said " We have a high success rate because we give God the glory for every baby created here" PRAISE JESUS!!!!! What an amazing and humble thing to say, giving God the glory and not taking any of it for themselves!

God showed up at our meeting today, He sat right there beside us and gave Bea the right words to say to us. From this moment on God is in control, He is taking over the experience and no matter the outcome. One baby, four babies or no babies I am in this for the glory of the Lord. He will receive every credit for whatever happens. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, this will be all worth it! We have said before that it is hard to pay so much for not knowing the outcome. But I believe that if we start believing in miracles God will start handing them out!!!!

To God be the Glory........

Angels amoung us....

Wow what a crazy few weeks! We have been getting ready, not only for the holidays but for January. It is coming at up pretty fast, both the Holidays and January. We are very thankful for all of the prayers and support we have been getting these past few weeks.
This week has been very emotional and crazy! I heard from the doctor Tuesday and I start my medications on December 12th. We meet with them on December 7th to get all our papers and medicines in order. When I hung up the phone I immediately went into panic mode, its happening, its really happening! I came home to my wonderful husband who just held me as I cried about all the what if's. We sat down and got all our stuff together and noticed that I had over looked some "extra expenses" that we will need. I  automatically started to panic again. This is all so overwhelming, its all so crazy! Here we are a year later getting ready to go through the same process we did and I remember the outcome. Sometimes its so scary that I don't know how we can ever get through it! But its here and as Charlie's dad says " you cant back out now" and we cant, we've prayed and prayed and prayed and God has placed us in the position and we cant back out now. We are here for a reason and we are going through this for a reason. Sometimes its just easier to talk about what we are going to do than actually do it. Please pray for peace and we enter into this journey. I do hate to be on my "crazy hormonal meds" during the holidays but God will see us through!!!!
On an amazing side note.....We were completely blessed a few weeks ago. My sweet sister in law got together with the amazing Katie D.,who sales Scentsy. And together they sold Scentsy for Charlie and I. Thank you so much to all who ordered something. And thank you to Katie who gave up her commission for Charlie and I. All of the money went into our baby fund. This will help with some of the cost,and every penny counts! We are so blessed with amazing people who are willing to help us out! There's not enough "THANK YOU'S" to go around! I pray that God blesses each of you ten fold for what you did for us!!! I thank the Lord for the "angels" He sends to each of us!!!!
Another sweet angel came into our lives, I've been introduced to a lady who has done IVF with a surrogate. She lives in Evansville and used Dr.Gentry. Ive been emailing her and she has been such a great help. I really enjoy picking her brain, its so nice to have someone who has been through this before. I'm very thankful for her and all of her help.
Mom is working on another blog so the next one should be from her.....Hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving! Always be thankful for everything you have, count your many blessings!!!!

Making our baby

Today is 11-11-11 which means that if everything would have worked, today would have been our due date. For some this isn't a big deal but for me it means the world. So today for my blog I wanted to share our journey last February through IVF.

January 20th, medications were started and samples were given. We really had no idea what to expect as we began this journey. I remember on this day I started my journal. I began to write down everything that we were feeling and our fears and expectations. I remember when all my medication came in the mail. I got them all out and cried just from being so overwhelmed. The first night that we started the shots Charlie took a picture of me mixing all the meds. It was so crazy to know that the next few weeks this would be our life. I would take 2 shots in the morning and 4 shots at night.

We would go to the dr every 3-4 days for the ultrasound to monitor the eggs. I produced 16 eggs, 6 one one side and 10 on the other. After the first week of meds my belly began to grow. I looked about 5 months pregnant. I had to give the shots in my belly and I bruised so bad. After the third week I was about to lose it. I would cry from fear, and pain, and hormones. Charlie would just hold me and tell me it was all worth it. Im not sure where I would be without him.

Finally after about 4 weeks of shots and ultrasounds the dr said it was time to take out the eggs. We had to go to Indy to do this, Charlie and I didn't want to go by ourselves so we took both our moms. We are both very close with our parents and we knew we needed all the support we could. We are truly blessed to have the family that we do. Im not sure we would have made it out of this situation without them. We left on a Saturday afternoon and headed to Indy. Once there we went out to eat and tried to relax. I remember being so nervous but so glad that our family was there to make us laugh.

That night mom slept with me, I remember she rubbed my arm util I feel asleep, just like when I was little. When I woke up the next day she and a card for me from her and dad. She knew everything I would need that day. We got ready and when we stepped outside there was about 3 inches of snow. Since we had to be at the hospital at 6 (5 their time) we had to drive so slow, I didn't think we would ever get there. On the way we listen to "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder band. We cried the whole way. Once there I got all hooked up and was taken back to get those precious eggs taken out.

When I woke up Charlie was there to tell me that instead of 16 eggs I really had 19. Three of them had hidden in the ultrasound. I remember thinking how crazy it is that I had that many eggs. We were both so excited that we had so many eggs!!! The next day I got the call from the lab that said only 8 of the eggs fertilized, and we had to go back in 5 days to put two back in. We were thrilled that we had 8 eggs to work with!!!
 5 loooonnngggg days later we were back on the road to Indy. This time we left on a Friday night, we went through a horrible rain storm that turned into a even worse snow storm and then the last few miles became a ice storm. We were so glad to finally be there. The next morning we made our way back to the hospital, once again listening to The David Crowder Band "How He Loves" Once there Charlie got to go back with me. They gave us a picture of the two eggs that they were implanting. I cried and cried because they looked so precious to me. We went back and got to watch via ultrasound the eggs being implanted. It was the greatest feeling, watching those sweet little eggs trying to make us a family!!
I was on bed rest for 48 hours and on restrictions until the pregnancy test which was 8 days later.
The day after we got home we received a phone call from the lab that informed us that the remaining eggs did not freeze. Which meant that if these two eggs didn't take then we would be done. I cried and cried, we tried to have faith that the two inside me would take but it was so hard knowing we didn't have a safety net.

The night before the blood test, Charlie and I went through my journal and pictures and all the cards and letters from friends and families. We cried at how close we were to being parents yet the next day held our fate. I don't think either one of us slept that night at all. The next morning I made the drive to Evansville to get the test, they said it would take 2 hours. So I drove back to Charlie's work and picked him up. We sat in the car and waited for the call. After hours of waiting the phone finally rang. We could tell by the sound of her voice what the results were, but hearing the word "negative" was enough to make my heart stop. When I hung up the phone I just stared at Charlie, all he could do was say he was sorry. My sweet Charlie likes to keep his feelings to himself, which is not healthy. But at this point he lost it. There is nothing worse than watching the strongest man in the world break. I watched my husband break into a million pieces. Charlie loves me and would give me anything he could, this is the one thing he cant me and it kills him.
We went home and he just held me until we were both numb. I dont know if I could ever feel more pain than I felt that day. But we both knew that tomorrow would come and life would go on. So we got up and started putting the pieces together. We took a break from baby talk for a while until we were ready.

I wanted to share this experience with you because this is what made Charlie and I know that God is in control. We can do and try and beg and plead to get out way, but God has a bigger and better plan. Ive had a few people ask me how I can still love God through all of this. Not one time have Charlie or myself questioned God's love for us or our love for God. I have said time and time again that I would rather be in God's will and not get my way, then get my way and not be in God's will. I thank God daily for the this experience, we would not be the people we are today if it weren't for this. I love Charlie more today than I have ever loved him.

Oh the places you'll go!

Oh the places we've been should be more like it! Mom and I have been to many doctors appointments and clinics and have been able to tell our story to so many people! This "situation" that we are in has turned into a "opportunity" to tell others not only our story, but tell others about Jesus.

There are so many stories that we can tell about how God has placed the right people at the right time to hear what He is doing for us. The funny thing is they happen in the most amazing places. Mom got to tell her story to the lady who cleans her teeth. She was actually the first person she told, and the lady was so encouraging. Ive been able to tell my story at work when patients ask me about my PUSH bracelet. This is usually how the conversation gets started. My favorite thing about PUSH is its not just a saying for Charlie and I but can be used in ANY situation. Many people are praying for us but they are also PUSHing for situations in their own lives.

I feel that God is using us in so many ways as we go through this journey. He has blessed me so much through this blog. We do have lots of people who read this and pray for us. So I wanted to take this time tonight that when you read this you don't pray for Charlie and I but instead you pray for another couple that God has placed on our hearts, Matt and Emily.
Today mom had to go get a mammogram. While there she meet the sweet lady who did the exam. This is one of the last tests mom has to do before we get the 100% ok to go through with the surrogacy. So she asked the lady to make sure she doesn't miss anything because this was the last test she had to pass. The lady asked mom what these test are for and mom got to tell her our story. She also explained to her our PUSH bracelets. The lady teared up and told her about her son and daughter in law. The had a sweet little boy that 18 months ago passed away. Through tears she told mom what had happen and how hard it had been on their family. As they both sat crying, mom took off her bracelet and gave it to her. The lady just cried harder and told mom that she had no idea how much she needed that. She said she was going to visit them this weekend because this past Sunday would have been his third birthday, and she was going to give the bracelet to them. God placed my mom in the exact place at the exact time for this lady. Somewhere in Paducah, KY there is a lady wearing our PUSH bracelet (and maybe reading this right now) who is PUSHing for her kids who are hurting. So tonight please pray for this sweet family. Lift up Matt and Emily (and Matt's mom) in your prayers for peace and comfort, and as they choose to start an family again!

As hard as this experience is for Charlie and I, I feel that it is all worth it if our story helps at least one person. Its all worth it if our PUSH bracelet helps heal hearts. This is all worth it if GOD is being glorified and honored through it all.  This is all worth it if in the end we see just how great God is!!

Oh the what ifs........

This weekend was a little crazy and emotional. I got to spend some much needed time with my sweet family and friends. But sometimes even when I'm having a great time, something always happens that brings me back to reality. It just a few short months we will begin our great journey into this surrogacy and I'm so super excited and nervous. However the what ifs still play with my mind and sometimes lead me back into my little hole of crazy!
If all would have went well last February my two sweet little embryos would be getting ready to come into this earth. Our due date was November 11 2011, I remember thinking how crazy that will be to have our babies born on that date. I wrote this day down on every journal entry and every note I could find. I couldn't wait till 11/11/11. This was going to be the best day of my life. But instead of preparing myself for mother hood I am now dreading this day for I know the emotions it will bring. Instead of bringing home my precious bundle of joy I will be getting ready for another friends baby shower while my sweet little husband will be jumping for joy because this is "The Rut" and his little butt will be in the woods (which he is soooo excited about.) Not exactly how I planned on spending this time. But as Charlie says, we have to go on with our life and remember, Life goes on! November 11th will come and November 11th will go. And pretty soon January will be here and we can begin this journey. This isn't what I had planned on, this isn't how I picture becoming a mommy, but God is in control and I put my faith in Him. Please don't think I'm bitter or mad, just sometimes I have to open up and let out my frustrations out so I can begin to heal. My heart is almost finished with the healing process, only sometimes does little things such a dates reopen the wound. I ask for prayers for these next few weeks as this wound will start to heal and make room for many many happier things!! We have lots to be thankful for and lots of friends and family who have helped us through this time!!!
I wanted to also say a BIG thank you to all of you of have bought PUSH bracelets. I have about 30 more if you are interested! This has helped us out so much! And it brightens my day when I see people wearing these! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!

A note from Mom......

Tonight, Lynnie isn't writing...tonight, you get to hear from me,  Lynsey's mom.  Lynsey asked me several weeks ago to write for the blog, but, I wasn't sure I could put into words what I feel in my heart.  Also, I have been so blessed reading what God has laid on Lynsey's heart, that I wanted to continue receiving and not sharing. I'm a little different from Lynsey.  Her happy-go-lucky lifestyle absolutely amazes me!  She is an open book and sharing her thoughts come easy for her.  Me, I'm a little more reserved (until I get comfortable around you) and normally I don't share personal things in my life with people I don't know.  But, tonight, I want to share my side of the story.

     I have learned so much this past year from Lynsey and Charlie.  They don't know it, but through this difficult time in their lives they have demonstrated to me an honest, true love for God...in the good times and the bad.  So, I want to thank them for the example they have been to me.  

     Next,  I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for all the kind words you have shared with us!!!  We have received nothing but love, compassion, and support  as we begin this journey in our lives!!!  It's funny, I say BEGIN, but honestly, this isn't the beginning... This has been God's plan for a very, very long time.  We have been on the journey all our lives.  God has been putting the pieces of his plan together for years...We're just becoming aware of His plan! Isn't that amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!        

     I can honestly say...this was not the way I visioned my plan for Lynsey...

I'm no different from any other mom...when Lynsey was born, I wanted her to have a happy life!!  I wanted her to grow up, go to college, fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily ever after.  I wanted Lynsey to have everything her heart desired!  My job, as her mom, was to try and give her everything her heart desired.  When she was little doing that  wasn't too hard.  Back then, her desires were ice cream, oreo cookies, and pink leotards!!  Pretty easy!!!  Then, Lynsey started getting older and the things she wanted or desired weren't always what I could give her. 

     Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days of pink leotards...where life for Lynsey was easy.  But, that's not reality.  Reality is...our little ones grow up.  Reality is...mom's and dad's can't give their kids everything they desire.  Reality is...Life gets more and more difficult.  Reality is... the doctor has told my daughter and son-in-law that Lynsey can't carry their child.  Reality is... my daughter's hearts desire is to have a baby!  Reality is...our family has been forced to face a situation we never dreamed we would have to face.  And reality is...God's word says..."Commit your plans to the Lord, and they will succeed" proverbs 16:3. 

     When Lynsey and Charlie told us about their doctor appointment, September 8, 2011...My heart was broken!!  I couldn't hardly look at my little girl...because I wanted soooo badly to say I can fix this.  But, in my heart, I knew that was impossible! However, the longer she talked, I began to realize, God was putting into place a way for me to be the vessel to give my child what she desired most in her life...a baby of her own.   

     Please don't think I am or our family is anything special.  I am just a mom who loves her little girl and would do anything for her.  God has given me and our family a peace about all this that I couldn't explain if I even tried.  My prayer is that God would slam the door if we aren't supposed to continue on.  But, right now, the doors are standing WIDE open!!  God has given us numerous signs to continue forward and that is what we plan to do.  I have nothing but joy in my heart knowing God's still in control and in charge of the plan for Lynsey and Charlie!!  We don't know the outcome...but, God does!  Please continue to pray for our family... Lynsey and Charlie, Cathy and Ryan, Donnie, and myself...  Miracles happen every today...AND, WE BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!

    

Worry...Worry...Worry

Wow this past week has been crazy! We found out mom can carry our baby, now I feel like its time for me to start my worrying! If you know me you know that's my best quality, I tend to worry about everything! This week I'm super excited about our news and everyone who is praying and thinking about us. We couldn't do this without the support of our family and friends. I was nervous about telling everybody but to my surprise we have so many people on our side and our lifting us up in prayer! But my worry is kicking in! I'm nervous about the meds, and the eggs, and the procedure, and the transfer, and mom, and Charlie...it goes on and on! I can sometimes sit and worry about every little detail. I looked back on some pictures right after Charlie and I got married. I just cried and cried wishing I could get in that picture and tell us what to expect and how hard its going to be. And then I wish my future self would come into this picture and tell me how great it is then, and to hold on its all going to be ok. But life doesn't work that way. We have to have faith that God knows what He is doing and I have to trust that God is looking in on us right now and saying "Its going to be OK, I promise!" I know its all going to be ok and i know we can do this. We've made it this far, we can keep going on. Sometimes it just helps to let it all out!!!!
On a lighter note I have ordered some PUSH bracelets which should be here this week. They are teal and black and we are going to sell them for $5. This will help with some expense plus remind people to pray until something happens!!!!! Thank you so much for your prayers and support...God is so good!!

BTW- GO CARDINALS!!!!!

Step two is done...you know what that means!!!!

So the second step in the testing for our surrogate is finished, and she passed with flying colors!!! We were so excited! Dr. Gentry doesnt see any reason why she cant be our surrogate. Today was filled with LOTS of paperwork and bloodwork. We left the doctors office with tears in our eyes because this is actually happening! So now you know what this means??? Its time to tell you who our our surrogate is!
I was thinking the other day what qualifies a good mommy? What do you have to have to have to be good at it? Compassion, affection, understanding? Do you have to be a good cook, or be outgoing? Do you have to love them so much that you would give them the world if you could? Of course all these things make a great mom. I sometimes wonder if I will carry these qualities when im a mom. I think back to my own mother and all that she did for me. My mom had me at the young age of 18, she gave up her life so that I could have one. She is a compassionate and understanding women, she cared for me and still went on the college to get her degree. She loves me with all her heart and all her soul. There is not anything in this world she wouldnt do for me, including carry my baby! She not only gave me life, she is willing to do it again but this time she will give birth to her grandbaby. Yes, the most amazing women in the world is willing to sacrifice her world AGAIN for me!
My mother, Robyn is my surrogate! She has gracioulsy offfered to do this for Charlie and I. I remember when we came home from the dr appoinment a couple of weeks ago and told my parents what he had said. Mom just sat there and cried and said "ill do it." Knowing the kind of mom she is I knew she would offer because she wants us to be happy. I was afraid at first that she was just doing it out of obligation. But after a few days we prayed about it and asked God to close this door if this isnt what He wanted. Every door has been opened and when we walk through them we have peace! As im writing this im still in shock that this is what will happen! Will I ever be able to thank her? Will she ever know what joy she will bring? I cant wait to tell our sweet little baby what her grandma did for her/him. I cant wait to tell them how great our God is!! Is this crazy? YES! But I know its GOD!!!!!
We are hoping to do the process in January/Febuary of 2012. We will be using our fertilized eggs, so this baby will have our DNA. WOW it feels really good to have it out there and to know that prayers can be started for Charlie, Mom, Dad and myself. Please pray for God's will to be done all the way to the end. We want God to get all the glory in this time of our life!

Step one is done!

The process of getting our surrogate prepared has started. Today we went to one of our many doctor appointments. We went to her OBGYN for her yearly exam (which has to be negative to continue) and we both wanted to discuss some questions we had. We were both so nervous because we want to do this so badly! The nurse and the doctor at first both seemed kind of shocked. They had never done anything with a surrogate before. He had some reservations at first but once he realized we were very serious and have thought it through he was all for it. He told us she should have no problems being our surrogate! We were both so excited! We go next week to our fertility doctor, Dr.Gentry to do a minor procedure and a consult to go over everything! We have prayed that God shut...no SLAM the door on this if it isn't what He wants and right now he seems to have the door wide open. Please be in prayer for us and we continue this journey.
Its seems so surreal right now, like this may actually happen. That we may still have a chance to have a baby of our own. Our surrogate has given us HOPE, she is giving us a lifeline to fulfill our dreams. If you don't know what it is like to not have hope your a blessed person. I feel that when you have no hope its like all the bad emotions wrapped in one, its grief, it's anger, its fear, its sadness, its confusion, and there is nothing you can do about it. At the end of our last IUI I realized we can not get pregnant without God. There is nothing I can say or a medicine I can take to make this happen. It can only happen with God. This can be scary because I am a person that seeks instant satisfaction. I wanted it yesterday, and I need to know why I don't have it now. But since this surrogate has stepped up, she has given us hope that we lost.
I decided to look up the definition of hope, these are a few I came across. When these definitions came up I teared up because they each are what I feel when I think of this situation.
HOPE is:To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment
HOPE is:The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good
HOPE is:Difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help
HOPE is:Trust; confidence
HOPE is:A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment
I know that our surrogate will be reading this so I wanted her to know that you are giving us hope thought we had lost. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives!

My other half

Ive noticed that in my blogs Ive talked about all the support from our families but Ive forgotten to mention my biggest fan. The man who has made all my dreams come true. The man who makes me the happiest girl in the world. My prince charming...Charlie!
If you know Charlie and I you know that we are so opposite! Charlie is very laid back, nothing gets him upset. He never gets mad, never is impatient with me, never worries about anything (but money) I on the other hand am total opposite. I stress about everything, I'm a little over the top, I am a very impatient person, I am loud and crazy. We are total opposite people, however we fit together perfectly! God knew what he was doing when he put us together! Charlie has always been an amazing husband and friend. But when we started this journey, Charlie went from amazing to glorious!
I remember when we started doing the IUI's I would give myself the shots and where was Charlie? Right beside me holding my hand. When I would cry because of pain he would reassure me that it was worth it! When we moved on to IVF I was doing up to 6 shots a day. And there he was holding my hand helping me out. One night while I was giving my shots after the first one I lost it! I cried from pain, I cried from the emotions and I cried because I was so overwhelmed!!! Charlie who is deathly afraid of needles grabbed the needle and stuck it in! He then took the other needles and began giving me my shots one by one! When he finished he put his forehead on mine and said "From now on ill do the shots!" And he did, every single one from then until now. He has held my hand through every procedure, through every sickness, through every difficult doctor visit and has never let go.  He has let me do whatever I want to get this baby, and I know he will continue on because for whatever reason my happiness means more to him than anything!
I wonder sometime how I got so lucky, because there are plenty of times that I take advantage of him!

Charlie loves me so much, he puts me first! He wants me to be a mommy more than anything! I know he would do anything to make this happen! I know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him!!! I recently heard the new song by Martina McBride called "I'm gonna love you through it" and I know this is how Charlie feels about what we are going through. It goes.....

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

I thank God everyday for Charlie, he is the most amazing man. I cant wait to see what kind of father he will be because if he is anything like he is a husband it will be one lucky child!!!

up, up , up, down, down, down

I'm up one minute then I'm down the next! This is such an emotional ride, I'm excited and ready for the journey. And then all of sudden panic sets in and all I see are pregnant people everywhere sharing their news! It was even on every TV show we turned on. I'm usually not a jealous person but in this case I'm so jealous I can hardly see straight! It's so hard to be happy for someone who has the only thing you want! Because I mostly feel like such a horrible person for thinking this way! You want to be happy for the people you love and care for but they have no idea the pain and trials that your experiencing. Unless you have been in this situation you cant imagine the pain that takes place. Charlie tells me each time that one day it will be our turn, and I know it will! I know one day ill look back on this day and say "It was all worth it!"
For the past few days we've gone over and over our options. Right now we are going to let our possible surrogate get tested and see if she can do it. We get really excited about it and then something will happen to bring us down. People aren't going to understand this. People are not going to agree with what we are doing. But I'm not here to please people, I'm here to please God. And if he is leading us to have a baby through a surrogate then that is what I will do. Ive been struggling with this these past few days. Today I decided to call Dr.Gentry's office to see what steps we have to take to make this happen. I talked with our nurse Bea and told her what we think we will do and she gave me all the information. While I was talking to her she was so excited about what we are doing. She instantly became my guardian angel, she said everything that I needed to hear. She made me feel like if this is what God wants then this will work! She offered to do anything and everything she could to make this right! God put her in my life at the exact time I needed it! She put my mind at ease and said that she was excited to go on this journey with us! Thank you God for Bea!!!
These next few weeks are going to bring some ups and downs, I can only imagine how many more emotions are going to get thrown in! I pray for peace, I pray for knowledge, I pray that negative comments wont get in the way of God's plan for us, I pray for our possible surrogate, I pray for my wonderful husband who has to deal with these "ups and downs", I pray God's will over this time in our lives!

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

There are a few things in life that I'm afraid of some of those are: spiders, heights,snakes,mice,spiders(yes I know I already said it but I hate them so much it deserves to be noted twice). Besides spiders I'm most afraid of failure, I once heard someone say that if you could do anything and knew you wouldn't fail what would it be? I automatically said IVF, again. Why? Because I know it would work, I know without a shadow of a doubt that we would be holding our baby at the end of the process.
Fear is a "spirit" and if we let it, it will control us. So God offers three better options, power, love and sound mind. I know sitting at home waiting for a baby to fall in our lap isn't going to happen. We have to get up and get out. We have to put our name out there, we have to listen to the doctors.  We cant let fear control our decisions.And right now I feel that is what I am doing. I honestly feel God leading us toward surrogacy, which will be an amazing experience for us and for the surrogate. However I let the fear of how crazy it is or what people will say lead me against it! We have someone in mind and in time if this is what God wants then we will share her with everyone! She is offering to do something so amazing and so selfless. But I still sit at home and worry about everything, will it go ok? Will she be ok? Can she do it? This consumes my thoughts. WHY? Because I'm not in control! And if you know me you know I'm a control freak!!! I have to make sure I know the next step to make. But when you put your faith in God you cant be in control! I don't know what the right choice is, but God does and I hope the answer falls right in my lap! I pray for peace and clarity to make the right choice!
 I saw on a surrogate shirt that said a certain religion didn't believe in surrogacy, it then said "glad that rule wasn't around when Jesus was born." After all Jesus was born to a surrogate...something to think about!

He's got the whole world in his hands!

Remember the song from Sunday school, "He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands." Such a sweet song. Tonight my sweet little Daylee was singing this song, there is nothing sweeter than listening to the innocence of her sing this song. She has to go through the whole family which is even sweeter because she doesn't leave anyone out! My favorite part is when she says "He's got Lynnie and Charlie in his hands" Because he does!!! I just teared up at how true that is....He has Charlie and I in his hands! She also sings "He's got the "wittle bitty" babies in his hands" and I thought God has Charlie and I in one hand and our "wittle bitty" baby in the other. God already knows what our baby looks like, where it will come from, if it will be our DNA or someone else....HE KNOWS!!!! What a great reassurance that we will one day have a baby of our own! God is already holding our baby, He can already tell if it has my nose and Charlie's beautiful blue eyes, HE KNOWS!!!! I know God is preparing this sweet bundle of joy for our CRAZY. He is preparing a baby that has Charlie's laid back attitude with a little touch of my bubbly personality! I could guess all day what it will look or be like but I know that there will be a day when we hold the baby that has been in our hearts all this time! Thank you Lord for holding our sweet baby till its time for us to hold it!

Nobody said it was easy.....

I heard a Coldplay song yesterday and it has been in my head all day. It says "Nobody said it was easy, now one ever said it would be hard." That couldn't be more true, this is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. I wasn't sure if blogging about this experience was the right thing to do, but after I posted yesterday I knew it was! There are no words to say that can even begin to express how grateful we are for your support! It is not easy to put into words the things that we are going through. Thank you for the emails, text and words of encouragement that came flying in! We have received all kinds of information on adoption and surrogacy and we are so grateful!  
Please keep us in your prayers on September 27th. We have some appointments that day and we are asking for good results, God willing! We are praying that God slams doors shut that He doesn't want us to go through and props open the ones he wants us to run through! :) God is moving around this situation I'm so grateful He chose us to help!

When God closes a door, He opens a window

Well today God closed a door....and now I'm waiting for a window to open somewhere! The adoption agency from Indy called and told us that they did not do out of state adoptions. I was really excited about this place because we have friends who have used it and had success. Sometimes its hard to let a door close that you were looking forward to going through! We have to pray about what God is telling us and what we should do. I know God is working I can feel it!
I cant express how blessed we are to have such supportive parents. Who are just as excited as we are to see what God has planned for us! There is nothing sweeter than sharing your dreams to your parents and having them shower you with love and support! I ask for prayers for them as this decision will affect them as well.
I know that if your reading this blog its because you love and care for Charlie and I, and for that I am greatful! I do pray that as you read you will be able to see how great our God is and all that is done for Charlie and I is from Him and for His glory!!!

What to do, What to do? Go to John 11:22

So here we are 2 choices, surrogacy or adoption. Each option is fine with us, we have to sit down and do pros and cons about each. I have sent in our information to an adoption agency in Indy. We want to go and see what they say. At least this way we will be able to know what we have to do and how much it will cost. Surrogacy on the other hand is something so crazy it could only be God! We have someone in mind for surrogacy but until we know for sure we are praying so hard that she will know this is what God wants her to do! I ask that prayers for her and her decision. I keep going back to John 11:22 which says "But even now I know that whatever you ask of God, God will give you."

We are praying for the right answer, the right direction, and the right path. We have to remember that God is faithful! We are very blessed to have amazing families who support our decisions. We have told both of our families who couldn't have been more supportive of either decision we make!Tonight after we told Charlie's family we all held hands and just prayed for the right answer. Our 2 year old niece Daylee said she wanted Lynnie and Charlie to have a baby, out of the mouths of babes! I hope that these blogs will be my stress reliever, to be able to write down how I feel! I cant wait to see what God has in store. Either we will have a surrogate carry our child which will be AMAZING or we will bring home a baby that otherwise wouldn't have a wonderful life! I feel like this is a win win situation!

In the beginning.....

I decided to start this blog for many reasons. One of them is to tell "Our" story.Charlie and I meet 9 years ago. We dated for 4 years before we got engaged. We were married 2 years later. We have a great life together. We have wonderful parents and wonderful friends. We live at home with our dog Maddie. Everything in our lives is pretty much perfect....only one thing is missing, a baby! Charlie and I have tried for 2 years to conceive a child. We have been to two fertility doctors, done numerous IUI's and one IVF. This past week we found out that our chances of conceiving on our own is pretty much gone. Our doctor says our only option is adoption or surrogacy. I decided to start this blog to document our journey. This road is going to be long and emotional. Our journey thus far has been crazy, we sometimes just have to sit down and laugh. (Which is another reason I started this blog)

PUSH-Pray Until Something Happens- I was reading a Karen Kingsbury book when I came across this saying. I immediately knew this was our theme for this season of our lives! We truly believe that if we pray something WILL happen! God has a plan for us and we cant wait to see what it is!