Sunday, February 23, 2014

Finding my joy in the journey

This weekend I attended the joy in the journey adoption retreat. A retreat for women who have adopted. It was both for connecting with other adoptive moms and receiving information about what the future may hold with you and your child. It was both informative and eye opening for me.

I learned lots of great things and I also learned lots about myself. I was relived to learn that exactly what I went through those first few months were indeed post adoption depression. I learned that most all of the women that attended had this. Where Those first few months of having this baby wasn't quite what I though it would be. I learned that the moment Parker was put in my arms that I indeed loved him immediately however there wasn't an immediate attachment. That attachment wouldn't come for a while, in fact it's just recently that I believe it's at it's best! In learning this lots of things became so clear to me. One of those things was the way I treated others. I believe I feared that all these people holding my baby might just have a better attachment than me. I remember it bothering me when people held my baby especially when I was out and about. I remember not exactly being able to put my finger on why it bothered me but it did. After this weekend it became so clear to me why I couldn't let other hold and love my child.

No one tells you about the attachment part. No one warns you it may be a while before he feels like "yours". I wish so bad that I had a retreat like this before I had Parker so I would been more prepared and possible saved a few relationships that were damaged because I had no clue what these emotions were and what they were doing.

As embarrassing as it is, I feel that there may be some out there that have experienced this or may in the future. If telling my story helps them then It's totally worth it. Plus let's be honest I'm an open book, this blog has held every part of our crazy journey and I've never left anything out so why start now :)

I remember those first months when Parker cried, I cried. He was a colic baby and it was hard. But as much as I loved him he just didn't feel like mine. I felt like I couldn't sooth him like a mommy should. I didn't feel like he needed me. I remember crying (a lot) and thinking this is all I've wanted for 4 years and now I have him it's horrible!!! I remember thinking no one could ever know I felt this way cause how awful they would think of me. So I kept it in, pushed people away and pretended like I have everything under control. After much prayer my sweet angel stop crying and began to recognize my voice which helped to ease my confused heart.

Around 4 months Parker seemed more like mine, we began to really bond and we began to learn each other. I wouldn't trade my experience for nothing, it's made me stronger and happier that we chose adoption and that God chose Parker for us. I'm grateful for this weekend where I could learn more about myself and that even though it feels like it, I'm not alone.

My prayer is that what I learned this weekend will help others just as it has helped me. My Jesus is a loving and forgiving God and even when we don't deserve it, his mercies are new every morning. I'm grateful he didn't give up on me cause there is nothing greater than being Parker's mommy!!!

My prayer is with this new baby Charlie, Parker and I will all bond with him better and become a family fast!! I'm beyond blessed to have an amazing little boy here watching me write and another on the way. When God blesses, he really blesses!

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Blessing overload

Blessing overload is exactly what my cousin Cori called our wonderful situation. When she called it that I laughed, but it is completely true.

Sometimes God gives us an abundant amount of wonderful blessing, even when we don't deserve them. I thought adopting Parker was the greatest most amazing thing God could have blessed two undeserving sinners with, but boy was wrong. I feel everyday his plan and timing for our lives grow stronger and I love seeing what he has in store for us.

One week to the day that we said yes to bringing Parker's brother to live with us I found out that I was indeed PREGNANT!!! Shock isn't even the correct word for it. Charlie and I just sat there looking at that stick that read two blue lines. Years, I've waited to see that and now when I had a 9 month old and possibly a 2 year old my wait was over. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Charlie and I thank God and prayed for our unborn baby but actually we both kinda knew the chances of this baby going past week 6 of life inside me was very small. So we didn't get too excited instead we stressed over where to put all these kids :) (wonderful problem, I know) we focused on Zayden and what exactly we were going to do when he came. The days turned into weeks and everything was still looking good and once again I was shocked. This baby just may make it. Which is crazy since our doctors told us it was just impossible to carry a baby especially without medicines to help keep it alive and healthy! Ha, I've come to realize the GREAT physician always, always has the final prognosis!!! So we began to tell our family and a few friends out of excitement but mostly for prayer, this baby needed all the extra prayers it could get.

We continued to keep in touch with Andrea who had told us she had gotten a job and was going to meeting and church. Doing everything she could to get Zayden back. We of course were and are so proud of her for her hard work. We knew the. just how much she wanted Zayden back. So we kind of started knowing that she would probably get him back and the chances of him coming to live with is forever were slim. As much as this hurt us we knew it was Gods will and his plan and we've trusted him this far. Our paperwork was stuck in Indy, and Zayden had at this pint been with his foster home for almost 5 months. We began to worry that that he was going to be settled in with this family and then have to get used to being with us. I began asking more questions with our caseworker about how much visitation he gets with Andrea and at that point he saw Andrea 4 times a day for two hours each, when he came to live with he would only see her once a week. Once again we were beginning to worry about when he came to live with us he wouldn't see her as much. Finally at the end of January and we still hadn't heard anything about when he'd be with us. Charlie and I began to pray about what to do. What was going to be best for Zayden. I'll be honest with you I didn't want this blessing to pass us, I wanted Zayden with us. And I'll be even more honest with you, I was scared, scared of saying no lets just let him stay with the foster home. I knew that God had blessed us with Parker and now a new baby because we were obedient, we said yes to Zayden even when we didn't know exactly what to expect. We were trusting his plan not knowing what to expect. I feared if we didn't let Zayden come to live with us, even for a while something would happen to our unborn baby. Silly??? Maybe buying want nothing more than to obey my Lord and savior and do his will not mine. However after much prayer and talks Charlie and I decided that it isn't about us but Zayden. It just wasn't fair to take him away from his comfort of the foster home and seeing his mom everyday. So we decided to let him stay with them , keep his schedule and if for some reason Andrea didn't get her life together in the appropriate time then we wanted to adopt him. Which we fully believe that Andrea will get her life together and we are extremely proud of her.

She has two boys that one day will look back and see just how much she cars for them because if all her love and sacrifice. We were and still are honored that not only did Andrea choose us to raise her son but trusted us enough to keep the other one for a while too. I pray that trust is forever and she continues to know just how much we love and care for both her and Zayden. They will forever be apart if our lives and we are grateful for all she's given us!

So with that all being said, Zayden will stay with his foster home untill andrea gets her life together, which we know she will.

Baby day is growing and growing. I'm currently 19 1/2 weeks and we go next Wednesday to find out what we're having. God has blessed and blessed our family beyond what I could of imagined. We have a beautiful healthy little Parker, a sweet, loving and caring Andrea and even though we didn't get to love on him Zayden will always be apart of our lives and we will live him forever. And if that wasn't enough we have a healthy little tyke on the way. God has truly gave us a blessing overload!!!