Monday, December 17, 2012

3 weeks and counting!!!!

Yes three weeks are counting.....unless little Parker decides to make his entrance earlier.

We got a call 2 weeks ago From GLAD that said Andrea was in the emergency room because she though her water broke. It didn't however she left the hospital at 3 cm dilated!!! She went back to the doctor last Wednesday and still 3 cm and hasn't thinned out. So Parker may actually wait till January 9th or he may come this week, we really don't know. However, Charlie and I cannot wait till he is here!!!

Last weekend I was "showered" my so many wonderful people. Saturday my coworkers gave me a "mustache" bash for Parker! I left there with his bedding, his car seat and stroller, cute clothes and wonderful keepsakes! On Sunday our church family gave us another wonderful shower were we received so much stuff it was crazy!!! We are still putting things away!! We are so blessed to have so many people who already love Parker and cant wait till he gets here. This little man will have so many people to love on him that he wont know what to do with!!!
My wonderful coworkers

This is just half the stuff we came home with
At my church shower there were a group of ladies who came who have been praying for Charlie and I to have a baby for a few years! These ladies touched my heart not only by their prayers but with their joy of Parker. They may me more excited than we are!! I wanted to get my picture with them so I can put it in Parker's scrap book so one day I can tell him just how special these ladies are and how God can answer prayers!!
Our prayer warriors

I just finished writing 175 thank you cards, yes 175!!! That's how may gifts we received for Parker, I cry just writing this! This little boy has no idea how special he really is and how much he has affected so many lives and he's not even here yet!!! Praise you Lord for the people who have prayed and are continuing to pray!

As always please continue to pray for Andrea and baby Parker. I'm sure as the days are getting closer that she is getting pretty miserable. Also please continue to pray for peace about her decision to let us adopt sweet Parker! She has no idea how much joy she has brought to so many people! We will never be able to thank her for what she is doing for us! I just Praise Jesus she has entered our lives!!!

Parker's nursey all ready for him!

Monday, November 26, 2012

43 days and counting...

Yep the countdown is on, as of today it is 43 days until little Parker is set to make his debut! We can hardly wait. Ive been doing some shopping and even though I have two showers next weekend I still cant stop myself from buying him things. His room is almost complete, I'm waiting for my applique I ordered that will go on the wall behind his bed and it says:

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone
but still miraculously my own, never forget for a single minute
 you didn't grow under my heart but in it!
It is the sweetest thing that I could ever say to my boy. I cant wait for it to get here so I can put it up. Charlie and I put up his blue and brown polka dots the other day I today I painted his ceiling fan and put blue polka dots on it to!
Last week we received a call from glad that Andrea wanted to talk with us earlier and meet with us on the day we were supposed to do our phone conversation. Oh my nerves were crazy, I was so nervous! We had the phone conversation last Tuesday, Charlie and I were both at work so it was a three way phone conversation with us, Andrea and Julie (from GLAD). It was the best conversation in the world. We feel in love with her, she is such a great person. She asked us questions about our fertility journey and how we decided on adoption. She asked us if we had a name picked out and when I told her what we like she LOVED Parker! We just fell into such a easy conversation, we talked for about 25 minutes and towards the end she said that she wouldn't have a lot of people at the hospital and she was wondering if we would want to be there!!!! I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry! So I did both, we were honored that she would even want us there. We cant wait to be there when Parker comes into this world! We will be meeting with her this weekend, to discuss more stuff but mostly we want to be together so at the hospital it wont be weird. I cannot wait to hug her neck and show her how happy she has made us!!!
We have so much to get ready, but for now we are just basking in the joy of our dreams coming true!!! We are just praising God everyday for this blessing that we don't deserve but are lucky enough to receive!
Please keep Andrea in your prayers, she has had such a rough life and is going to need extra love after Parker is born! Please pray for peace in her heart and that God blesses and protects her!!!
***** Oh AND Andrea was excited about giving us ultrasound pictures of baby Parker*****
Yep its a BOY!!!!!!
There is his little face!!!!
and another...isn't he beautiful!!!!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The blog we have all been waiting for!!


Yes, this is the blog we have all been waiting for! On Thursday November 8th we received the call we have prayed for. We finally have a birth mom! She is due on January 9th, 2013 with a little BOY!!!!! We are absolutely over the moon with joy, happiness, excitement, nervousness and praise!

Now that I have announced our excitement I must now give glory and honor to our Lord and Savior for giving us this beautiful gift! He is the reason for our happiness and it is him who gets the glory! I want to shout "MY GOD IS GOOD, SO GOOD" He has answered our prayers. For this child we have prayed, and he has given us what we asked of him 1 Samuel 1:27

So on Thursday I was at work and around 230 the phone rings and it was Charlie, now Charlie never calls work so I knew something was up. When I answered the phone Charlie said, "hey are you sitting down" I immediately panic, thinking something is wrong. I said "oh no! What's wrong?" I could tell her was crying and he said as fast as he could, "babe, GLAD called and a birth mom choose us and its a boy and she is due January 9th!" I couldn't even breath, all I could think and say was "why didn't they call me?" ha ha!! And they did they tried my cell and since I was at work I didn't have it with me so they called Charlie. I just couldn't believe it, that this was true. After much of crying from both of us and all my co workers and even the students we all believed that we were getting a baby boy! My heart almost jumped out of my chest. I never pictured Charlie would be the one to tell me, I always thought I would be calling him but it couldn't have worked out any better! It is a moment in my life that I will never forget! For the whole day I felt like I was dreaming I had Charlie pinch me just to be sure.

We came home that night and told our family who is also so excited! We all cant believe that this is finally happening. The past few days have been spent planning and thinking and dreaming and getting ready for our bundle of joy! I alreasy have two showers planned! This baby is already loved my so so many!!!

Our birth moms name is Andrea she is 24 years old. Right now I'm asking for prayers for her, call her by name and ask God to bless her heart. She is giving us such an amazing gift and I want her to have peace about her decision, I want her to know that only God can fill that emptiness in her heart and I pray God will bless her for her amazing choice. Please pray for her everyday and thank God for placing her in our lives. I praise Jesus she listen to him and choose us!

Right now as I write this I am washing my baby boy's clothes. I'm putting his room together and imaging just how beautiful he will be! Charlie said the other day that this boy will want for nothing, and God willing he wont! That's the purpose of adoption, to love this boy more than he could ever imagine! Ive never seen my husband so on cloud nine. Its amazing to see him in such a light, he just glows! Plus he loves to tell everyone that he got to tell me that we were getting a baby! A perfect story to a perfect answered prayer!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

A little bit about mom!

I wanted to wait to write this blog until we had more information, plus mom really didn't want me to but if you know me I'm going to do it anyway :)
About 3 months after our miscarriage mom was having lots of trouble with what we thought was her thyroid. After months of  abnormal behavior and nights of endless sleep, mom decided to go to the doctor. She had lots of blood test and they determined that in fact her thyroid was out of wack. So she was referred to a specialist at Vanderbilt. We traveled down there and meet with the doctor. We loved her so was so nice and very concerned. Because all of her symptoms didn't start until after the surrogacy and miscarriage we had to tell her our crazy story. She wanted to do testing but she was pretty sure she had Graves disease. Which is when the thyroid is inflamed and begins to attack the body. She told us that the increased hormones given during the surrogacy process caused her to get this disease.

After two days of testing it was confirmed that it was Graves disease. She has three options, keep the thyroid and take medication, radiation treatment to the thyroid or surgery to remove the thyroid. After another trip to the doctor she said the best decision was to have the thyroid removed. We went Monday to see the surgeon and he wants to get it out as soon as possible. She is scheduled to have surgery on November 2nd. It will be about a 2 week recovery and if all goes well and her medication is corrected she should be back to her self in no time.

These past few weeks have been very hard for me. My mom gave the ultimate sacrifice in being our surrogate. She put all the crazy meds in her system, she carried my babies for a small time and then had to go through the pain of losing them and staying so strong while she watched me go through such pain. As if that wasn't enough she has gone through months of pain and suffering and no sleep! She has been going crazy trying to feel better and its all because of me.

I pray that this surgery will make her feel better and things will go back to normal. I am forever grateful for what she did for me and what she continues to do. I pray that I can tell my children just how great their "bobo" is. I thank God for such a wonderful mother and pray that He works this out for his glory and honor!

Please keep mom is your prayers these next few weeks. She is an amazing women and I wish I could take this away from her. She will never know how grateful I am for her!!
****Side note**** Please keep my dad in your prayers as well, this whole process hasn't been easy on him either!!! He is a good, good man!!!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

October 16, 2012

Well yet again we are approaching another due date. Had everything worked out (in our favor) mom and I would be preparing for the births of our babies. We implanted 4 embryos but in my head and my heart ( and based on numbers) I believe mom has two of my babies and I had one. However we look at next Tuesday we will not be celebrating birthdays instead we will be remembering our babies and what would have been. This time I'm not dreading this day, I'm a little anxious but I know God has a plan and I know that he loves us unconditionally and he will give me the comfort that no one else can!

Also October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Please be in prayer for all women who have lost babies for it is the most painful experience.
On Monday October 15th at 7:00 I am asking that you will join us in lighting a candle for our babies. This is a worldwide event and if each person lights a candle at 7:00 there will be a wave of light across each time zone. We won't get to light birthday candles but we will light memory candles because those babies have truly changed my life. I will forever be great full for what I've been through and for what God is teaching me. Please light a candle for our babies!

I was suggested a book to read by a fellow lady who has been through everything we've been through and has now adopted a beautiful baby boy. The book is called couples who long for children. It's a devotion book and it has been such a blessing to me. I've been reading it on my days off and have seen so much of my experiences in the pages. I've come to realize a few things. First, I'm NOT bring punished my God!!! For a while I kept thinking what sin have I not asked for forgiveness for that God is allowing such heartache in my life? I've asked Charlie the same thing, " what haven't you asked forgiveness for?" I've been to numerous people and asked for their forgiveness for wrong doings I've done to them. I've begged for forgiveness pleaded for answers and still nothing. But this book says this is God's plan, not punishment!!!! I've had to stop and tell myself this over and over and over. It's not a punishment it's a plan!! Someone else got pregnant because that's Gods plan for them. We can't get pregnant because this is Gods plan for us. We're waiting for our mountain to move so that God can shine through.
Because of this book I've had time to stop and apologise to God for my temper, my doubt, and placing blame on him. I've rejoiced at the fact that God chose us to carry such a witness to others about his greatness, his timing and mostly his love!! Because God loves Charlie and I more than anything and is waiting till just the right time to bless us!!!
Please keep us in your prayers as we go through next week! It's a couple of days that we will give thanks for what God is doing and praise him in the bad times as well! We still haven't got " the call" yet but I'd appreciate your prayers for that too! God bless!!!

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Come on moutain.....MOVE!!

Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:21
I was listening to KLOVE the other day on my way to work and a song came on called "only a mountain" by Jason Castro. The chorus says                                                                                         This is only a mountain
You don’t have to find your way around it
Tell it to move, it’ll move
Tell it to fall, it’ll fall
This is only a moment
You don’t have to let your fear control it
Tell it to move, it’ll move
Tell it to fall, it’ll fall
I was listening to this song as I was pulling into work the other morning and all I could think was "Have I told my mountain to move" I mean here Ive been praying for God to bless us with a baby
 but have I told my mountain to move and let God bless us. Do I have the faith to believe that my mountain will move and that God will give us what we have prayed for??? So as I was pulling into work I began to tell my mountain to move, I begged an pleaded and and finally I was screaming at the top of my lungs "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!! Ive been standing behind this mountain for too long and I want my baby, my God is bigger than you" I screamed it over and over and over again in the car. Saying it is one the thing, but here is the hard part, FAITH: "complete trust or confidence in something or someone"
Do I have the complete trust and confidence that my mountain will move and God will bless me? Some days I feel my faith is better than other days but I have found that my faith sometimes is a little on the weak side. I have enough faith to get me so far and then I panic. I have enough faith that I have reduced my hours at work, I have pretty much put together a room for a baby and I am mentally and physically preparing my heart and home for a baby. But when it comes down to it do I have the faith to tell my mountain to move and it will? This has been on my mind lately and Ive been praying and praying for the faith to get me through. It seems that all that stands between us and a baby is my faith. But if having faith wasn't so hard it wouldn't be so worth it right?
So once again I'm telling my mountain to move, to step aside, to crumble, to do whatever to get out of the way so my God can bless Charlie and I. We have been in this valley for far to long and we are exhausted! We are continuing to pray daily for a miracle and having the faith to believe that he hears us and will bless us with a baby very, very soon!
I cant begin to tell you thank you for all of the support we continue to have. Thank you so much for the encouraging cards, texts and kind words. Those are the things that get us through the "waiting" part. One day soon we will get our call I just our call I just know it. I cant wait to write that blog!!!!

Sunday, August 19, 2012's the hardest part!

Adoption application....check.
Portfolio for birth mom.....check
Home study completed.... Check
Ok so everything is completely finished so what's next? WAITING! It's the worst part for me. Because as most of you know I'm not a patient person! My social worker said it best " patience isn't something you learned, you just learn to tolerate it" and that is the truth! I have no other choice but to wait!

We have turned everything in and now we are just waiting for the phone call that lets us know we have a birth mom. After that we could possibly meet her and then if she chooses us we will soon take home her baby. I find myself constantly checking my phone ( just in case)

Charlie won't let me do too much to the baby's room. Just in case it takes a while. I on the other hand can't wait to get started. Right now we have a bassinet, swing, pack n play and jump a ro. Charlie says we can get more when we have a birth mom. As frustrated as I get with him I understand he doesn't want anymore disappointment for me which makes him so sweet.

Part of the deal with GLAD is that the first year with the baby I have to be part time. If you know Charlie he kinda of freaked out about cutting my paycheck in half. However after prayer we decided that God has taken care of us this far we trust he will continue to bless us. We have to walk by faith and trust in him. So I went ahead and told work that I needed to cut hours and that I understand it usually takes a while and that was ok because we didn't know when we would get a baby. The next day my boss came to me and told me a girl from the clinic was let go because they closed it down and if I was serious about cutting my hours they were going to give them to her. I panicked but I knew that it had to be God because it all happened too perfect. So in September I will just be working two days a week. When the baby gets here it will be nice but right now I'm a little nervous of the to e I will have on my hands. I pray we get this baby soon do I can spend as much time with it as possible.

We continue to ask for prayers for Charlie and I as we prepare for this journey. We are very anxious to receive " the call " and pray that we can provide a loving a godly home for this baby. Also keep our birth mother in your prayers who ever she may be. I can't imagine what she is going through and I pray that she may have peace in her decision.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. We are very lucky to have such amazing friends and family!!!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Under construction!!!

So this past week has been super crazy! I finished my portfolio and sent it in and finally finished all of our papers for the home study. On top of all that we are putting in new floors!!! The house has been all torn apart. We removed the bathroom carpets and replaced them with new laminate. And now we are removing the carpets, they will be replaced on Tuesday! Whew, I'm worn out just writing that!! We want our house to be just as beautiful as the baby we bring home!

We met with our social worker Friday. She is very laid back lady and has been through the adoption process her self twice. She went over the things we have to have and the questions she is going to ask us. The biggest question for us is, "who gets the baby, if something happens to us?" I don't know how to tell her that the list of who will want our baby and who will take care of him/her is a mile long!!! :) we have so many people in our lives that I know would be great with baby Day. Please pray for us as we make that decision. Our social worker also is going to work with us on finding a birth mother. Her agency has just started working with birth mom's and they don't have as many as GLAD does but it gives us a greater chance of getting a baby faster. Its kind of like we have two feet in two doors, which ever opens up first we will take. :)She will be at Our house for the second part if the home study on July 25th. Once this is completed we are ready to bring home our baby!

I recently bought a bassinet, swing and pack n play from a really good friend. She was getting ready to sell it and I thought it would go great in nursery. You have no idea how it felt bringing that home. I've dreamed of the day that baby stuff would fill our home and it's actually happening!! I cannot wait to watch my baby sleep and swing and play. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the happiness this child will bring.

As of right now we dont have a birth mon yet. But i still find myself thinking a lot about the her. At night when I can't sleep I just think about who she is, is she pregnant yet, is she scared, is she ok?? I pray for her every chance I get, she is the one who is holding my sweet baby for me and I want her to feel God's presence in her life. I want her to have peace and joy knowing giving up her baby will bring such joy to our life!! Please pray everyday for our birth mother, that she doesn't loose hope and that she has peace about her decision.

Dear Lord,
I pray right now for the women who is carrying my child. I pray that not matter her situation she will fill your presence all around her. If she is scared place your arms around her and know she is loved. Please keep her safe and guide her through her pregnancy. Thank you Lord for your miracles!

There will never be any way to thank everyone who has helped us these past few years! Your devotion to praying for Charlie and I is beyond amazing! I pray that God blesses each of you for what you've done for us!!!!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

May the baby we hold in our heart one day be in our arms!

Well after much prayer and consideration, Charlie and I have decided to adopt a sweet and deserving baby. We are currently on our way to becoming parents.

We are using an agency is Evansville called GLAD. They have been so amazing! I have spent so much time preparing a portfolio for the birth mother to look at. This will help her in her decision. We both had to write an autobiography and answer questions about our personalities and our childhood. Then I put lots of pictures of our family, our hobbies, our vacations, and our lifestyle. It was a lot of work but in the end it looked amazing and I was both proud and exhausted when I turned it in.

We meet with our social worker next Friday and turn in all of our paperwork which includes background checks, letters of reference( which by the way melted my heart from each person who wrote a letter for us) and financial information. After next Friday we will have a home study, which is the the part I dread the most. After all of this we will officially be ready for a baby.

I turned my application last Wednesday. On Thursday I revived a call from them that said a girl was coming in that afternoon and she wanted me to go ahead a write a birth mother letter and send in some pictures. She is due in August and wanted a family with no kids. I panicked, I quickly wrote a letter and sent in some pictures and in the end she didn't pick us. But this made me realize how I needed to get our pirtfolio in so the next one could possible pick us. It also made me realize just how real this is and how quickly our life could change. To be honest with you, I became so excited. To just think that I could be a mommy makes my heart melt.

I decided to continue our blog with our new journey in our fight for a baby. I know God will bless this journey as he has before. I am asking for your continued prayers for not only us but for our future baby and the birth mother. This will be a difficult decision for her and I pray that God puts her at peace with her choice.
I am also asking that if you know of anyone who is in a situation and doesn't want their baby that you think if us. Its very hard to get on here and ask that but I feel that if we don't ever ask we may never see what God can do. So please let us know of anybody who may be in this position.

Again I think you so much for all your love and support. Our baby will have so much love they won't know what to do with it all. God bless

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Summer fun and decision making!

Well it's been almost four months since our miscarriage and most days it feels like years. We have both enjoyed these past few months together and it has been enjoyable "not trying" to have a baby. We both needed this time to breath and reciprocate from the past few years!!!

But being the woman I am I'm still trying to figure out what's next. I've been praying for God to lead us in the right direction. I've gone over all our options and prayed over them and each day I change my mind on what to do next. All the while hoping we just get pregnant on our own. I realized over the past few months that all I really want is a baby, any way I can get it, even if it's not our DNA!

I feel like I've done very well dealing with the announcements of our friends who are expecting and I'm just hoping it will be our turn next! A few weeks ago there was a couple in our church that took in a baby that their family couldn't take care of. I just cried because I thought why can't someone just knock on our door with a baby. I realized then that I would take any baby I could get! Just to be a mommy!! I told Charlie maybe we should put out an ad out for anyone who knows someone who doesn't want their baby we will take it:))) as funny as it sounds it's the truth, we are sooo ready to be patents! ( yes, we will take any baby that nobody wants, but we do want it to be legal...just in case you read this and thought I would go all crazy and steal one....;))

So this brings me to my prayer requests. I am currently working on our application for adoption and at the same time I'm working on our application for a grant to help us pay for our transfer if our embryos. I feel like I should at least try both and see what God can do. We are along for prayers on both of these things. We will be happy either way God leads us but we want to go the way He wants us to. Please be praying for our embryos that we may or may not put in. Please pray for our possible baby that may be brought into our lives and for the mother who will give it to us! Lots of things to pray for I know but we will continue to PUSH until our prayers are answered or until God takes this desire out of my heart. And right now the desire is in there do far I'm bursting with joy at the possibility to be a mommy!!!!

Thank you got your continued prayers for Charlie and I as we continue to do Gods will and bring Him all the glory!!!!

"for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord......."

Friday, May 4, 2012

Mothers Day

Mother's day is coming up, and yes it's a hard day for me ( and Charlie). This will be the third Mothers day that I will celebrate with the thought of "maybe next year I'll be a mommy." This year will be a little different because for a short time I was a mommy and next Sunday I will remember and cherish those few weeks when all my dreams came true. I will give thanks for the time that God answered our prayers and celebrate the fact that one day we will be celebrating Mother's day with babies everywhere!!! I hope that my sweet babies in heaven are proud of the mommy they would of had down here and are anxiously awaited the day that I will meet them. I often dream about that day and get excited to know that no matter what happens down here with our fertility issues one day I'll meet my babies!!! Praise Jesus!!!!

Now, I will not just be celebrating the short time I was a mommy; I will also be celebrating the many many wonderful years I've spent with my mom. This year our celebration will be bittersweet. Even though she didn't carry out the pregnancy of her grandchildren, she was gracious and so humble that she gave up her body so that Charlie and I could be parents.There are not enough ways to say "thank you" enough. So this Mother's day I get to spend time with my mom and try to shower her with love and cherish all the memories we've created over the past few months. Both good and bad memories are times that I wouldn't give up for the world. I have a bond with my mom that no one can ever break. I will forever be thankful for her sacrifices she has made and the one sacrifice she tried to make for my husband and I.
There is a quote that I found that reminds me of my mom, it says "you've never really lived unless you have done so something for someone who can never repay you" My mom can say that she has lived because what she did for me my whole life including these past few months I can never ever repay her. I only hope and pray that I'm half as good a mom as she was to me. Happy Mother's day mom I love you!!!

I will also be celebrating Mother's day with my sweet mother in law. Even though she didn't raise me, she raised the most important man in my life. It's because of her that my husband is so wonderful to me. She taught him just how great you should treat your wife. I'm forever grateful for the wonderful Christian women that she is! I'm grateful for a mother in law who I know loves me as her own. I know without a doubt she prays without ceasing for Charlie and myself and her future grand babies. I'm truly blessed with a wonderful mother in law!

There are so many this mothers day that I am grateful to have in my life. My Gram, my Mamaw in heaven, Charlie's Mamaw and my sister in law. All great moms who deserve recognition this Mother's day. I'm grateful for each of these sweet women who are all great moms and wonderful christian women who have all impacted my life.

So looking back this Mother's day will be hard but man I'm so so blessed and I know that one day I will get to join these ladies in celebrating this wonderful and much deserving day. I can't wait to be a mommy!!!!!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Spring time

This time of year is one of my favorites. I love the fact that after a long cold winter everything begins to come out and grow again. It's like starting new with a new outlook. This has all helped me in my healing process. I've learned so much from this time in our lives and am great full for the things we've encountered that has helped us through. Recently I received a devotional from a sweet friend. The scripture from 1 John 1:5 which says " God is light, and there is absolutely no darkness in Him"
God is light, God is illuminating, warm, bright, hopeful, good. He is the source of life and all of good things. But not only is God light, but He is also not darkness. So God can't be cold, cruel, evil, or hurtful. It's impossible for him to be any of those things because not a drop of darkness dwells in Him.
We didn't lose our babies because God is punishing us, because He doesn't work like that. My God is light and He will bring us our light in His time!!! He works for good and we will trust His timing.
It's time for us to come out of hibernation, to warm up from the cold that has grown in us and start in grow in His light, and wait until He says "it's time". You see this time of year is my favorite because I know new growth is just beginning!!!! Praise Jesus!!!

Friday, March 16, 2012

What doesn't kill u makes u stronger!!

I know it's been a while since I've posted. People have been asking if I'll keep this up. And yes I am and will keep up with this blog. These past few weeks have been much better. I've learned that the healing process takes more time than I've allowed and that I have to stop and mourn before I can go on. Our lives will never be the same, our world will never go back to the way it was before 2012. However the changes in our lives are for the better. I've never loved my husband more than I do today. I'll love him even more tomorrow. What we have together no one else will ever know nor will they understand. Our love is binded together by our loss. I see love in a whole different light when i hold our friends precious bundles of joy i realize just what exactly comes out of all this pain. I love babies so much more now than I ever had. I see just exactly what a true miracle looks like. Life as we have known it won't be the same, the experience we had has forever changed our hearts!

We went to our follow up appt with dr. Gentry and he told us to keep our heads up. He thinks that it didn't work because it didn't work. But we got pregnant and that's the farthest we've ever gone and were taking the right steps now. He wants to do the frozen embryo transfer anytime after April and he wants to use just me since I was able to get pregnant. He did say that our chance of conceiving on our own did increase because we got pregnant so he encourages us to try on our own and use the heparin and baby aspirin. We were very pleased to hear this and to know that it's not an impossible task for us to get pregnant. But it does happen on God's time and not ours.
Since this talk we have discussed different options and we were pleased with how well they are working with us. We ask that you please pray for our next steps because they could be life changing and with God our miracle can finally happen.

About four weeks after our miscarriage the most wonderful, crazy and loving women went home to be with the Lord. I watched my sweet Mamaw Alberta suffer and then pass away. The women who taught me to peel potatoes at age 4, who danced and sang Johnny Cash in the kitchen, who took me to more places in my 6 years of life than I've been to all my life together, left this world. I remember thinking she would never die. As I sat and held her hand so confused as to why God was allowing this to happen to us, all I can think of was when she got to heaven I wanted her to hold my babies. And I take comfort in knowing that she is there with them and will keep them until we get there to hold them ourselves. We planted the flowers we got from the funeral in the back yard in memory of her and our babies. Everyday I can look out the back window and be reminded of God's promises!!

2012 hasn't really turned out they way we planned. But it has turned out the way that God wanted it to. We pray daily that this baby will one day be in our arms and I know my heavenly father hears those prayers and we shall someday soon be parents.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Peace like a river in my soul

These past few days have been some of the hardest days of my life. There were so many days that I couldn't even get out of bed. Ive never known such pain and such agony. Ive cried, Ive screamed, Ive cried some more. I felt as if i would never know joy again, I mean true joy. Ive begged and pleaded with God to take away my pain to replace my broken heart with joy and happiness. Its been days since I felt "God's presence" in my life. I wondered where He was and why He had left me. What did I do wrong for this to not work. But in the end all I wanted was peace and joy back in my life.
This morning on my way to work I once again prayed for peace and joy, for God to heal my heart. The day didn't start off great I was still so sad and down. When I went to lunch I had a voicemail from my dad that said he was in Evansville and wanted to eat lunch. This is where my day got better, you see I LOVE my dad! He is the BEST listener and he always gives the best advice. He is so positive and uplifting! After lunch we walked down the hall and we talked about how I was doing. We talked about healing and how one day I would be ok, not back to normal because my life will never be the same but one day I would be ok. It was my first sign of hope. He said you know there is a reason for this, you know you were chosen to do this for a reason. (Have people told me this already, yes! But sometimes you really hear it when your ready to hear it) We walked some more and he said the most important thing " its going to be ok" Yes it is!!! Its going to be ok. The world didn't end, people didn't stop breathing because my heart was broken. I held my head up and continued my day with a little more joy. On my way home I finally broke! I finally praise the Lord for what he had done. Yes I thanked God for taking my babies. I praised HIS name that HIS will was done and not mine. I shouted "thank you" for answering my prayers. I got pregnant, when every doctor said we wouldn't I did!!! That in itself is worthy of praising! We are to praise God in the good times and we are to praise God in the bad as well. I feel that God didn't take my babies away to be mean, He took them away to fulfill His will. One day something great will happen, one day we will have a baby and I will praise Him just as much then as I did today. I realized that when I finally accepted this I began to have joy in my life!
I also realized today that I want a baby more than anything in this world, I would give my life to have a child of my own. Ive spent the last 3 years of my life trying and trying to have a baby. My every thought, my every prayer was spent on asking and trying for a baby. God showed me today that that same desire I have for my baby, He has for us. Only his desire for my attention and my love is sooooo much more. I just cried at the thought of this, He loves and cares for me. My God didn't put me in this situation for pain and suffering, no He put me in this situation for a reason. One day ill know why and I'm pretty sure it will be even better than I can imagine!!!

Thank you for all your prayers and encouraging words. We are so lucky to have so many people who care about us. I praise Jesus everyday for my sweet Charlie, he has taken such good care of me. Im truely blessed to have him in my life!!!

*****Also we want to say a BIG congrats to our good friends Tadd and Joanna on the birth of their new baby Grady Smith Brewer!!! He is such a cutie!!!******

Thursday, February 16, 2012

From my point of view..... Mom

Many people are wondering...what's next????? The answer...we wait.
Throughout this entire process, and honestly for the first time in my life, I can say, I have been 100% in the will of God. As a family, we prayed and prayed and prayed for God's will and we all knew, without a shadow of a doubt, we were obediently following the plan God had laid out for us to follow. Everywhere we looked, we would see God. Everything we did, we would see God. There was never a time we doubted that we were being obedient.

When I woke up, Friday Feb 3, I was soooo sick!!! The best sick I had ever been in my life. I knew then, God had blessed me with my grand baby!! Sometime during the day, Donnie and I decided we would confirm what we already knew and take a pregnancy test. When I came home from work that afternoon, I took the test. I left the bathroom to go into the kitchen and before I'd had time to fix myself a glass of water, Donnie said, "I think it's time". I laughed and called back to him, "No, Donnie, we wait three minutes". He giggled (yes, I said giggled) and said, "No, I think it's time." I knew by his voice he had already been in the bathroom and checked the test and yes, it was postiive!!! My Donnie was like a little school girl...he couldn't contain his excitement!! It was precious!!! Then he sat down and with tears streaming down his face and said the sweetest words... "Robyn, I'm so humbled!! I don't know why, but God has trusted us to to bring our grandchild into this world...what an honor that God chose us." It was at that very moment, I became attached to that little child growing inside grand daughter and son-in-law's baby.

Later that same night, we also learned that Lynsey was pregnant. I'll be honest, I was a little shocked, but joy and excitement filled my heart!! I'll never forget that night, that moment changed me forever. I share this, not for people to be sad for us, but because I want you to know the joy we experienced for a few days. Joy we were able to experience because God Blessed us. And let me also add...those days were some of the best days of our entire lives!!!!!

Unfortunatly, our excitement was short lived... a few days later, God answered our prayer....He closed the door...No, He slammed the door! And, yes, it took us by surprise. Were we shocked? Yes. Were we sad? Yes. Were we disappointed? Yes. Were we heartbroken? Yes. Are we still all those things? ABSOLUTELY!!!
Have we stopped loving God because of this? NO!!! The best part of all this is also the hardest part....we asked for God's will...We asked if this wasn't God's will that He would close the door... and as hard as it is to accept, God answered our prayer...He closed the door... GOD DID WHAT HE KNEW WOULD BE BEST FOR OUR LIVES!! Sometimes that hurts. But, because God loves us, He closed the door on this journey. Why? He has something much, much better in store for our lives!!!

Since, Lynsey and I lost the pregnancies our families have had difficult days. We are grieving our loss and it's hard. During this process, we have experienced the evil of Satan. He is using our weak moments to weezle his way into our lives trying to break us down. Satan is powerful...he knows our weaknesses and he has attacked those weaknesses everyday. There have been times when I've cried out to Donnie and some of my friends asking, "why is God doing this?" I am so blessed to have Godly people surrounding me everyday who remind me, "Robyn, that's not God. Those bad things are Satan!!" Satan doesn't want our family to give God the glory for anything. He doesn't want us to say that God knows best. He doesn't want God to be glorified....PERIOD. We have to stop everyday and say..." will NOT be victorous over us!!" And you know what, sometimes we have to say that more than one time a day because satan doesn't give up!

God has a plan for Lynsey and Charlie!! I believed that when we started this process. I believed that with every shot we took. I believed it with every pill we swallowed , I believed it when Dr. Gentry retrieved the eggs, I believed it when we did the transfer, I believed it when we got pregnant, and I BELIEVE IT TODAY!!! GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL!! GOD STILL HAS A PLAN!! AND GOD IS AN ALL LOVING, ALL KNOWING, ALL POWERFUL, ALL EVERYTHING GOD!!! So, what's next? We wait...we grieve...we listen...we get better...we hear...and we obey!!! When will we know? Only God knows that answer, but I know my God has a plan...a plan to prosper us and NOT harm us...a plan to give us hope and a future. I believe that with all my heart!! We may be sad but that sadness doesn't mean we have lost faith in God. Our sadness and hurt is developing us into stronger, more loving, more compasanate people. We don't know why, but for some crazy reason, God has chosen our little family to go through this and now...we wait patiently upon the Lord!!!! PUSH!!!!
Somebody's Praying

Somebody's Praying, I can feel it
Somebody's praying for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect what I can't see
Lord I believe, Lord I believe
That Somebody's prayin, for me.

Angels are watchin', I can feel it
Angels are watchin' over me
There's many miles ahead 'til I get home
Still I'm safely kept before your thrown
'Cause Lord I believe, Lord I believe
Your angels are watchin' over me.

Well, I've walked through barren wilderness
When my pillow was a stone
And I've been through the darkest caverns
Where no light had ever shown.
Still I went on 'cause there was someone
who was down on theri knees
And Lord, I thank you for those people
Prayin' all this time for me.

Somebody's prayin', I can feel it
Somebody's prayin for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect me from what I can't see
Lord I believe, Lord I believe
Somebody's prayin' for me...

Thanks to everyone praying for healing!!!

Friday, February 10, 2012

In the end its all ok, if its not ok then its not the end

Well it's been such a roller coaster of emotions this week!
I'll start with Friday February 3rd that morning on my way to work I got a call from mom. She sounded a little upset but she said " Lynsey, I don't need to take a pregnancy test." and I said ok why. She replied " because I'm so so sick" I just laughed, she had been sick all morning. When I hung up the phone I turned Klove back up and David Crowder was singing our song. I just cried and cried. God Wink!
That afternoon when I was leaving work I checked my phone and saw mom had sent me a picture message. It was a picture of a positive pregnancy test. I couldn't believe it. I called her and I could hear anything she was saying because dad was yelling in the background like a little school girl! She said she knew the whole time she just wanted to prove it. So she said ok Its your turn. I had to go try on bridesmaid dresses so it would be a while. After I was done I rushed home to take a test. My home pregnancy test was the two line one. So when I peed I saw a faint line. Charlie couldn't see it, so he says. So we went to Charlie's parents to tell them. I should them moms picture and then showed them my test and sure enough they saw the line too.
Mom and dad were on there way to my house to get more medicine so I told her to bring her digital test so we could be sure. When they got to the house I went ahead and took the digital test ( because dad was going to have a heart attack if I didn't) we made Charlie go look. He came out of the bathroom really quite when he look Ed up from the test he said " looks like we're having two babies" we all screamed and cried! We were all in shock! I've never ever seen Charlie so happy in all my life! Our dreams were coming true! We sent out the picture of both test to some family. It was so hard not to tell everyone. I even talked to Dr. Gentry and he said it was ok to be excited, we were pregnant! We've never been pregnant before. This was the farthest we've ever been! You can't even imagine the excitement!!!!!
The next few days were rough for me and mom, she had morning sickness and I had night sickness. As bad as it was it was totally worth it!
Tuesday morning I woke up about 4 so sick! Charlie found me in the bathroom and said " we paid a lot of money for you to be like this" ha ha. After 3 hours and LOTS of sickness later I began to wonder if it was a bug. I decided to call Dr. Gentry's office to see what I needed to do. Bea called back and said its probably not a bug but something called hyperemesis. It is extreme sickness that's caused my multiples. She wanted me to get to Evansville for bloodwork ASAP! Since we were going ahead with the pregnancy test she said mom could have hers done too. I instantly began to panic, multiples!!!! Oh no!
Dad drive mom and I to get the bloodwork, we knew the test would be positive we were just nervous about the possibility on multiples. About an hour and a half after the bloodwork Bea called. She said all my labs were fine so it may just have been a bug. She also said our tests came back positive but our levels were low. We instantly panicked! She told us not to worry that it was still good. We were in shock, here we were just a few minutes earlier trying to decide what to do with all these babies and now our two babies could possibly be in danger.
We had to go back Thursday to see if our numbers doubled. If they double everything was going good if not we were in danger of losing them. Wednesday was a rough day of wonder and worry and lots of Internet looking. Wasn't a good idea!
By Thursday I was a nervous wreck, we didn't get the call until 3 hours after the bloodwork. Bea said mine and mom's level went down. My heart sank! I just couldn't believe it!
She told us that if we had a positive test on Friday that our hcg was probably high then and we probably began losing them over the weekend.

I've asked Charlie before if he thought it was harder to not get pregnant or get pregnant and lose it. We found our answer yesterday. I'm not sure if I've ever known such pain. I feel like it was a joke to be so excited one minute and do heartbroken the next. I feel like there is someone somewhere laughing and pointing and saying " you actually thought it would work" ha ha ha!

We appreciate all the prayers text and kind words. We are very very lucky to have so many people who love us and care for us. Please continue to pray for healing and peace as we face these next few days.
God allowed us to go through this journey for a reason. He allowed me to do this blog for His purpose. Even though at this very moment I can't understand why I know that His plan is way better than ours. He knows my desire for a baby and hopefully one day we will know the joy of being parents. If its even close to what we felt for those few days I can't wait! God is still a good God and we will still trust and serve Him!

We go to see Dr. Gentry next week to see what to do next. Bea mentioned that we may have an embryo problem. If so I don't know if it will ever work. Regardless of what he wants to do mom and I both need to let our bodies heal. Pray for us in these next few days as our bodies will go through a lot. Lots of pain and lots of heartache.

I have a quote around my house from psalms that says "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning". One morning my joy will come, one morning.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The two week wait!

It all comes down to what a journey! On Wednesday mom and I along with our small fan club :) went to put in our beautiful eggs. Once we got there Dr.Gentry told us that out of our 7 fertilized eggs 6 of them were grade "a" (they grade the eggs, a, b, c's obviously "a" being the best) He also told us that they all looked very good. In his words "somebody should get pregnant with these eggs". The last IVF we did, this was one of our bigger problems and one of the reasons with why it didn't work.So we were very very happy to hear this news. So he did want to put 2 in mom and 2 in me. That leaves us with 2 left over to freeze. (we wont know if they froze for another few days) 
Mom got to go first, dad and I got to stay in the room to see the transfer. We were supposed to be there with a moderate to full bladder but mom didn't start drinking her water till we got there so her bladder wasn't quite moderate yet, this and because of some scar tissue from her c section with me caused about a 3 to 4 minute panic. He had quite a bit of trouble getting through her cervix. He ended up getting some extra tools and finally after what I know was a very painful process, 2 wonderful eggs were placed in her uterus. I remember sitting there watching my sweet mom go through so much pain for me. My heart broke into, I just prayed and prayed that God would intervene and help it not be so painful. Afterwords when it was just dad and I we both looked at each other and he said " I thought God was closing the door." and I did too. Still not 100% sure as to why that happen I know that God was there and Dr. Gentry was very please with the placement of the eggs. I got to video tape the transfer and we were also given pictures. Here is the 2 eggs that were placed in mom. The little whit line beside the "x" is where they were placed.

After mom was finished and resting they took me back, thankful my transfer was a lot easier. Mine took about 3 minutes total. He was also very pleased with the egg placement. Charlie got to video tape mine as well and we also got a picture of our two sweet babies. Mine look likes two white dots beside the "x"

After my transfer we were both in recovery for 30 minutes, then we were able to leave. Once we were at home we were to be on bed rest for the next two days. It was raining when it was time to leave so the boys went a got the cars for us. When dad came in to get us he said "Lynsey you'll never guess what song is playing on the radio right now." Yep, it was "Oh how he loves" by the David Crowder band. GOD WINK!!!!
 Charlie and dad and Melissa took such good care of us. We were feed very very well. The boys did get a little irritated when they got the kitchen all cleaned up and then we asked for more food. However, they say they were happy to do it!
Thursday we went to moms house and my sweet Gram came and took good care of us. We have been showered with food, cards, texts, and calls. We have been so taken care of these past few days. Our friends and families have taken such good care of us. Melissa stayed with us Friday and her and Sarah cooked us a great supper. We haven't needed anything. It is so nice to have so many people who love us so much!

I remember waking up Wednesday morning and looking on facebook, and it was blown up with prayers and kind words for mom and I. I just sat down and cried. We are so grateful for the support, the best thing that you can do for someone who is going through this, is support them. We also had a group of amazing women that did a prayer circle for us at the beauty shop. I cant even begin to tell you how much that means to us. To go into such an event with so much prayer, its like flying. You feel like you can touch the sky! We will forever and ever be grateful for each and every one of you who have supported us. 

So now we are in the two week wait. We have to wait to whole long long weeks to find out what we both already know :) But still we do have to make it newsworthy with a blood test. We ask that you continue to pray for the 4 embryos that are attaching and growing inside us. I pray that they will one day get to read this blog and see just how loved they really were, before they were ever created!!!!!
God bless!!!