Peace like a river in my soul

These past few days have been some of the hardest days of my life. There were so many days that I couldn't even get out of bed. Ive never known such pain and such agony. Ive cried, Ive screamed, Ive cried some more. I felt as if i would never know joy again, I mean true joy. Ive begged and pleaded with God to take away my pain to replace my broken heart with joy and happiness. Its been days since I felt "God's presence" in my life. I wondered where He was and why He had left me. What did I do wrong for this to not work. But in the end all I wanted was peace and joy back in my life.
This morning on my way to work I once again prayed for peace and joy, for God to heal my heart. The day didn't start off great I was still so sad and down. When I went to lunch I had a voicemail from my dad that said he was in Evansville and wanted to eat lunch. This is where my day got better, you see I LOVE my dad! He is the BEST listener and he always gives the best advice. He is so positive and uplifting! After lunch we walked down the hall and we talked about how I was doing. We talked about healing and how one day I would be ok, not back to normal because my life will never be the same but one day I would be ok. It was my first sign of hope. He said you know there is a reason for this, you know you were chosen to do this for a reason. (Have people told me this already, yes! But sometimes you really hear it when your ready to hear it) We walked some more and he said the most important thing " its going to be ok" Yes it is!!! Its going to be ok. The world didn't end, people didn't stop breathing because my heart was broken. I held my head up and continued my day with a little more joy. On my way home I finally broke! I finally praise the Lord for what he had done. Yes I thanked God for taking my babies. I praised HIS name that HIS will was done and not mine. I shouted "thank you" for answering my prayers. I got pregnant, when every doctor said we wouldn't I did!!! That in itself is worthy of praising! We are to praise God in the good times and we are to praise God in the bad as well. I feel that God didn't take my babies away to be mean, He took them away to fulfill His will. One day something great will happen, one day we will have a baby and I will praise Him just as much then as I did today. I realized that when I finally accepted this I began to have joy in my life!
I also realized today that I want a baby more than anything in this world, I would give my life to have a child of my own. Ive spent the last 3 years of my life trying and trying to have a baby. My every thought, my every prayer was spent on asking and trying for a baby. God showed me today that that same desire I have for my baby, He has for us. Only his desire for my attention and my love is sooooo much more. I just cried at the thought of this, He loves and cares for me. My God didn't put me in this situation for pain and suffering, no He put me in this situation for a reason. One day ill know why and I'm pretty sure it will be even better than I can imagine!!!

Thank you for all your prayers and encouraging words. We are so lucky to have so many people who care about us. I praise Jesus everyday for my sweet Charlie, he has taken such good care of me. Im truely blessed to have him in my life!!!



*****Also we want to say a BIG congrats to our good friends Tadd and Joanna on the birth of their new baby Grady Smith Brewer!!! He is such a cutie!!!******