Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Peace like a river in my soul

These past few days have been some of the hardest days of my life. There were so many days that I couldn't even get out of bed. Ive never known such pain and such agony. Ive cried, Ive screamed, Ive cried some more. I felt as if i would never know joy again, I mean true joy. Ive begged and pleaded with God to take away my pain to replace my broken heart with joy and happiness. Its been days since I felt "God's presence" in my life. I wondered where He was and why He had left me. What did I do wrong for this to not work. But in the end all I wanted was peace and joy back in my life.
This morning on my way to work I once again prayed for peace and joy, for God to heal my heart. The day didn't start off great I was still so sad and down. When I went to lunch I had a voicemail from my dad that said he was in Evansville and wanted to eat lunch. This is where my day got better, you see I LOVE my dad! He is the BEST listener and he always gives the best advice. He is so positive and uplifting! After lunch we walked down the hall and we talked about how I was doing. We talked about healing and how one day I would be ok, not back to normal because my life will never be the same but one day I would be ok. It was my first sign of hope. He said you know there is a reason for this, you know you were chosen to do this for a reason. (Have people told me this already, yes! But sometimes you really hear it when your ready to hear it) We walked some more and he said the most important thing " its going to be ok" Yes it is!!! Its going to be ok. The world didn't end, people didn't stop breathing because my heart was broken. I held my head up and continued my day with a little more joy. On my way home I finally broke! I finally praise the Lord for what he had done. Yes I thanked God for taking my babies. I praised HIS name that HIS will was done and not mine. I shouted "thank you" for answering my prayers. I got pregnant, when every doctor said we wouldn't I did!!! That in itself is worthy of praising! We are to praise God in the good times and we are to praise God in the bad as well. I feel that God didn't take my babies away to be mean, He took them away to fulfill His will. One day something great will happen, one day we will have a baby and I will praise Him just as much then as I did today. I realized that when I finally accepted this I began to have joy in my life!
I also realized today that I want a baby more than anything in this world, I would give my life to have a child of my own. Ive spent the last 3 years of my life trying and trying to have a baby. My every thought, my every prayer was spent on asking and trying for a baby. God showed me today that that same desire I have for my baby, He has for us. Only his desire for my attention and my love is sooooo much more. I just cried at the thought of this, He loves and cares for me. My God didn't put me in this situation for pain and suffering, no He put me in this situation for a reason. One day ill know why and I'm pretty sure it will be even better than I can imagine!!!

Thank you for all your prayers and encouraging words. We are so lucky to have so many people who care about us. I praise Jesus everyday for my sweet Charlie, he has taken such good care of me. Im truely blessed to have him in my life!!!

*****Also we want to say a BIG congrats to our good friends Tadd and Joanna on the birth of their new baby Grady Smith Brewer!!! He is such a cutie!!!******

Thursday, February 16, 2012

From my point of view..... Mom

Many people are wondering...what's next????? The answer...we wait.
Throughout this entire process, and honestly for the first time in my life, I can say, I have been 100% in the will of God. As a family, we prayed and prayed and prayed for God's will and we all knew, without a shadow of a doubt, we were obediently following the plan God had laid out for us to follow. Everywhere we looked, we would see God. Everything we did, we would see God. There was never a time we doubted that we were being obedient.

When I woke up, Friday Feb 3, I was soooo sick!!! The best sick I had ever been in my life. I knew then, God had blessed me with my grand baby!! Sometime during the day, Donnie and I decided we would confirm what we already knew and take a pregnancy test. When I came home from work that afternoon, I took the test. I left the bathroom to go into the kitchen and before I'd had time to fix myself a glass of water, Donnie said, "I think it's time". I laughed and called back to him, "No, Donnie, we wait three minutes". He giggled (yes, I said giggled) and said, "No, I think it's time." I knew by his voice he had already been in the bathroom and checked the test and yes, it was postiive!!! My Donnie was like a little school girl...he couldn't contain his excitement!! It was precious!!! Then he sat down and with tears streaming down his face and said the sweetest words... "Robyn, I'm so humbled!! I don't know why, but God has trusted us to to bring our grandchild into this world...what an honor that God chose us." It was at that very moment, I became attached to that little child growing inside me...my grand baby...my daughter and son-in-law's baby.

Later that same night, we also learned that Lynsey was pregnant. I'll be honest, I was a little shocked, but joy and excitement filled my heart!! I'll never forget that night, that moment changed me forever. I share this, not for people to be sad for us, but because I want you to know the joy we experienced for a few days. Joy we were able to experience because God Blessed us. And let me also add...those days were some of the best days of our entire lives!!!!!

Unfortunatly, our excitement was short lived... a few days later, God answered our prayer....He closed the door...No, He slammed the door! And, yes, it took us by surprise. Were we shocked? Yes. Were we sad? Yes. Were we disappointed? Yes. Were we heartbroken? Yes. Are we still all those things? ABSOLUTELY!!!
Have we stopped loving God because of this? NO!!! The best part of all this is also the hardest part....we asked for God's will...We asked if this wasn't God's will that He would close the door... and as hard as it is to accept, God answered our prayer...He closed the door... GOD DID WHAT HE KNEW WOULD BE BEST FOR OUR LIVES!! Sometimes that hurts. But, because God loves us, He closed the door on this journey. Why? He has something much, much better in store for our lives!!!

Since, Lynsey and I lost the pregnancies our families have had difficult days. We are grieving our loss and it's hard. During this process, we have experienced the evil of Satan. He is using our weak moments to weezle his way into our lives trying to break us down. Satan is powerful...he knows our weaknesses and he has attacked those weaknesses everyday. There have been times when I've cried out to Donnie and some of my friends asking, "why is God doing this?" I am so blessed to have Godly people surrounding me everyday who remind me, "Robyn, that's not God. Those bad things are Satan!!" Satan doesn't want our family to give God the glory for anything. He doesn't want us to say that God knows best. He doesn't want God to be glorified....PERIOD. We have to stop everyday and say..."Satan..you will NOT be victorous over us!!" And you know what, sometimes we have to say that more than one time a day because satan doesn't give up!

God has a plan for Lynsey and Charlie!! I believed that when we started this process. I believed that with every shot we took. I believed it with every pill we swallowed , I believed it when Dr. Gentry retrieved the eggs, I believed it when we did the transfer, I believed it when we got pregnant, and I BELIEVE IT TODAY!!! GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL!! GOD STILL HAS A PLAN!! AND GOD IS AN ALL LOVING, ALL KNOWING, ALL POWERFUL, ALL EVERYTHING GOD!!! So, what's next? We wait...we grieve...we listen...we get better...we hear...and we obey!!! When will we know? Only God knows that answer, but I know my God has a plan...a plan to prosper us and NOT harm us...a plan to give us hope and a future. I believe that with all my heart!! We may be sad but that sadness doesn't mean we have lost faith in God. Our sadness and hurt is developing us into stronger, more loving, more compasanate people. We don't know why, but for some crazy reason, God has chosen our little family to go through this and now...we wait patiently upon the Lord!!!! PUSH!!!!
Somebody's Praying

Somebody's Praying, I can feel it
Somebody's praying for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect what I can't see
Lord I believe, Lord I believe
That Somebody's prayin, for me.

Angels are watchin', I can feel it
Angels are watchin' over me
There's many miles ahead 'til I get home
Still I'm safely kept before your thrown
'Cause Lord I believe, Lord I believe
Your angels are watchin' over me.

Well, I've walked through barren wilderness
When my pillow was a stone
And I've been through the darkest caverns
Where no light had ever shown.
Still I went on 'cause there was someone
who was down on theri knees
And Lord, I thank you for those people
Prayin' all this time for me.

Somebody's prayin', I can feel it
Somebody's prayin for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect me from what I can't see
Lord I believe, Lord I believe
Somebody's prayin' for me...

Thanks to everyone praying for healing!!!

Friday, February 10, 2012

In the end its all ok, if its not ok then its not the end

Well it's been such a roller coaster of emotions this week!
I'll start with Friday February 3rd that morning on my way to work I got a call from mom. She sounded a little upset but she said " Lynsey, I don't need to take a pregnancy test." and I said ok why. She replied " because I'm so so sick" I just laughed, she had been sick all morning. When I hung up the phone I turned Klove back up and David Crowder was singing our song. I just cried and cried. God Wink!
That afternoon when I was leaving work I checked my phone and saw mom had sent me a picture message. It was a picture of a positive pregnancy test. I couldn't believe it. I called her and I could hear anything she was saying because dad was yelling in the background like a little school girl! She said she knew the whole time she just wanted to prove it. So she said ok Its your turn. I had to go try on bridesmaid dresses so it would be a while. After I was done I rushed home to take a test. My home pregnancy test was the two line one. So when I peed I saw a faint line. Charlie couldn't see it, so he says. So we went to Charlie's parents to tell them. I should them moms picture and then showed them my test and sure enough they saw the line too.
Mom and dad were on there way to my house to get more medicine so I told her to bring her digital test so we could be sure. When they got to the house I went ahead and took the digital test ( because dad was going to have a heart attack if I didn't) we made Charlie go look. He came out of the bathroom really quite when he look Ed up from the test he said " looks like we're having two babies" we all screamed and cried! We were all in shock! I've never ever seen Charlie so happy in all my life! Our dreams were coming true! We sent out the picture of both test to some family. It was so hard not to tell everyone. I even talked to Dr. Gentry and he said it was ok to be excited, we were pregnant! We've never been pregnant before. This was the farthest we've ever been! You can't even imagine the excitement!!!!!
The next few days were rough for me and mom, she had morning sickness and I had night sickness. As bad as it was it was totally worth it!
Tuesday morning I woke up about 4 so sick! Charlie found me in the bathroom and said " we paid a lot of money for you to be like this" ha ha. After 3 hours and LOTS of sickness later I began to wonder if it was a bug. I decided to call Dr. Gentry's office to see what I needed to do. Bea called back and said its probably not a bug but something called hyperemesis. It is extreme sickness that's caused my multiples. She wanted me to get to Evansville for bloodwork ASAP! Since we were going ahead with the pregnancy test she said mom could have hers done too. I instantly began to panic, multiples!!!! Oh no!
Dad drive mom and I to get the bloodwork, we knew the test would be positive we were just nervous about the possibility on multiples. About an hour and a half after the bloodwork Bea called. She said all my labs were fine so it may just have been a bug. She also said our tests came back positive but our levels were low. We instantly panicked! She told us not to worry that it was still good. We were in shock, here we were just a few minutes earlier trying to decide what to do with all these babies and now our two babies could possibly be in danger.
We had to go back Thursday to see if our numbers doubled. If they double everything was going good if not we were in danger of losing them. Wednesday was a rough day of wonder and worry and lots of Internet looking. Wasn't a good idea!
By Thursday I was a nervous wreck, we didn't get the call until 3 hours after the bloodwork. Bea said mine and mom's level went down. My heart sank! I just couldn't believe it!
She told us that if we had a positive test on Friday that our hcg was probably high then and we probably began losing them over the weekend.

I've asked Charlie before if he thought it was harder to not get pregnant or get pregnant and lose it. We found our answer yesterday. I'm not sure if I've ever known such pain. I feel like it was a joke to be so excited one minute and do heartbroken the next. I feel like there is someone somewhere laughing and pointing and saying " you actually thought it would work" ha ha ha!

We appreciate all the prayers text and kind words. We are very very lucky to have so many people who love us and care for us. Please continue to pray for healing and peace as we face these next few days.
God allowed us to go through this journey for a reason. He allowed me to do this blog for His purpose. Even though at this very moment I can't understand why I know that His plan is way better than ours. He knows my desire for a baby and hopefully one day we will know the joy of being parents. If its even close to what we felt for those few days I can't wait! God is still a good God and we will still trust and serve Him!

We go to see Dr. Gentry next week to see what to do next. Bea mentioned that we may have an embryo problem. If so I don't know if it will ever work. Regardless of what he wants to do mom and I both need to let our bodies heal. Pray for us in these next few days as our bodies will go through a lot. Lots of pain and lots of heartache.

I have a quote around my house from psalms that says "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning". One morning my joy will come, one morning.