Last night I couldn’t sleep. I woke up and stared at my youngest and my middle sleeping so soundly. I remembered the other night I was telling my mother in law that Brody was either gonna be a leader of the nation or a gang in prison. We laughed and secretly prayed it wasn’t  the latter. I thought about that statement and how before I blinked he would be grown. An anger welled up inside me, why? Why does time have to go so fast? And who’s fault is it. God’s? Mine? Theirs? I was so mad that when I woke up they’d all be older, and there was nothing I could do about it. I’m not one who is ok with not having control. I have no say, or input on how slow or fast the process goes and it kills me.

I mean why can’t the days be short and the years be long? Why can’t they stay little for longer and the days that feel like they’ll never end be shorter? Idk, there’s a lesson in there I’m sure. I’m sure when I’m old and my boys are grown I’ll still never know. But for now I’m trying to figure out how to hold them longer, love them harder and try my hardest to keep them small forever. It’s not a secret, every mom I’ve ever known or even strangers will tell me “soak it up”. So it’s not anything a momma tries to keep, they want you to know it happens fast, they want you to soak up that fresh bath smell, that sweaty boy smell with a touch of fresh cut grass, those terrible smelly feet. They want you to laugh at all the farts, and fart jokes. Roll your eyes at the clothes on the floor and the pee all over the toilet. Yell a little less, hold your tongue a lot more. And the thing I’m most guilty of looking at my stupid phone.
So until I figure out how to keep my boys this small and innocent I’m gonna laugh more, watch them more and pray to God time could just slow down a little.

6 and 1/2 years ago I meet Andrea. A sweet girl with a hard past and in a sad situation. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind God placed us together. No doubt that He has this plan in place all of our lives. I was meant to be a mother...Parker’s mother.
Her life never really go any easier after the adoption. She got clean, then fell back into it again. She made some mistakes, and conquered her demons. She would get her head above water only to go back under again. Not one person can say she didn’t try...because she tried oh so hard.
I watched most of this play out on Facebook. I can keep up with her through there. My heart would ache with her posts of failure and rejoice with her in her achievements. She did receive her GED not long ago and that was a big moment for her.
We pray for her daily and daily I worry if I shared my love for Jesus with her enough. I tried so many times to be sure she knew that HE was the reason we have and love Parker.
A few months ago she reached out to me through Facebook messenger. I’ve set all my stuff to private so her finding me and messaging me scared me to death. Her only message said “I wanted to tell you that I love you guys so much” it made me so nervous that she’s found me. I immediately blocked her (for safety purposes, and I contacted GLAD so she’s know we weren’t mad but couldn’t communicate through Facebook) and started a letter to her to put on this blog to let her know how much we love her too.

Yesterday afternoon we learned that on March  23rd at 4:30am Andrea passed away. We have no answers as to what happened. My heart is completely broken. I’m broken for my Parker. He will never know just how much she loved him, how much she gave up for him, how much she gave ME! We are still processing everything and Parker has no idea. I look at him and tears swell in my eyes as to how he has no idea that she’s gone. I cry thinking if she hadn’t given us life that he would be orphaned right now. My heart just breaks!
Parenting is so hard, very hard and then you throw in the factors of adoption and I’m just trying so hard not to screw it all up.
I honestly don’t know her relationship with Jesus, I pray she was a child of God and is dancing in heaven with her mom. I pray that’s where she is so for the rest of Parker’s life she can get a front row seat to see how awesome he is because of what she did!!!!
I’m asking for prayers for us, for guidance in the days and weeks and years to come. Parker doesn’t know and probably won’t till his ready to hear his story in full.
Please lift up Andreas two other boys, Zayden and Easton. They have lost the only momma they know. I have no idea what will happen to them.
God has had this plan all along. His plans are better than ours even when don’t understand!

Dear first momma

Dear First momma,
It’s been a while since we’ve talked. 6 years to be exact. Our boy is 6 years old....somehow 6 years has past.
Parker is in kindergarten this year and...well...doesn’t LOVE it but is doing better. He loves his friends and social life (he gets that from me) and he loves to learn new things (he gets that from Charlie) but it’s the “work” part he struggles with.....he only wants to do the fun things. He’s very smart....very polite....very outspoken and mostly very precious! He can count to 100, knows all his letters and sounds and is starting to learn to read.
Parker has a heart as big as the sky! He loves as big as the sky and loves to show it. He’s always wanting to please whoever he’s around. He’s hilarious and entertaining too. He’s got quite a few friends at school. We told him this year for his birthday he could choose 5 friends to take to eat and play games. It took him weeks to narrow it down, almost broke his heart he couldn’t take them all!!!
Right now he’s into games! Has an x box, Nintendo switch and DS. He says he’s a “gamer”! He loves Mario, sonic, and transformers. He’s an awesome big brother to his two little brothers. He’s always willing to help and will usually always play with them when they want him too.
He’s playing basketball right now. Not the greatest at it but he’s learning. We’ve conquered t ball and soccer over the past few years. I’m the crazy momma in the stands cheering for her baby!!!!
Charlie has taken him hunting a couple times, he’s shot Charlie’s gun and loves it so I foresee many hunts in his future.
We’ve had a few health issues over the past few years, nothing serious just some tummy troubles. We think he’s lactose intolerant and treating that has helped him tons. It’s rough because he LOVES milk and chocolate ice cream.
He’s my picky eater though!! He likes about 5 things. One of those was guacamole but we learned he’s allergic to cilantro so that’s out now. He loves chicken fries and cheesy potatoes, taco’s no letters or shell, spaghetti...sometimes, bread, turkey sandwiches and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Thats about it....

I know this year your struggling a little with the adoption. I know you know you made the right choice but I also know it doesn’t make it “easier”. I wanted you to know that your loved, adored and prayed for. We could never thank you for the gift of Parker. He not only blesses us but every person he meets. He’s beautiful inside and out. He was meant for us and us for him. There will NEVER be a day we let his adoption be a negative. We will always make it a positive. We praise you for your decision, that you didn’t “give him up” but chose to let him live and gave a girl who needed him a chance to love him! He’ll ask questions in time and we’ll try to answer as honestly as we can. No answer will ever be given to degrade you but to uplift you and your beautiful decision.
Your loved beautiful girl, not only by us and our son but by our Heavenly Father who lead you to us. We thank God for you both everyday!
Keep your head up, your doing good, your loved, and thanked for everyday!!!!!

To my precious boys.......

To my precious boys,

Today, October 2nd 2017 in the once beautiful United States of America you woke up to a beautiful sunny day filled with preschool, mamaw's house and cousin time. Followed by snack time and naps, laughter and playing. Meanwhile we've (the adults) have learned of a tragedy that has once again shaken us to the core. We awoke to hear of another shooting, more deaths, injuries and pain that should of never happened. We see hate everyday, all day. We can't even mourn the loss before we've all placed blame, pointed fingers and ridiculed what we don't know. 

Each day you wake up is a new day to learn and grow and find even more ways to be happy. We, as adults learn of a new tragedy, a new drug or a new way to offend people. I watch you play and use your imagination. You learn to share and care for your brother, your friends and even that kid on the playground you've never met. You don't see color, hate or pain. You only see in love. If I could bottle it up I would and we'd all drink it everyday. We'd all remember that beauty of childhood, the freedom of choices and the fearlessness of being yourself!!!

But sadly one day boys you will begin to see the bad. You'll start to slowly lose the innocence that once lay in your heart and made you, you. I never want to tell you the bad things that happen, the pain, the fear, the worry that comes as you grow. But momma is crazy scared tonight of the world in which you both will grow up in. Tonight I fear that you'll both grow up with a constant fear. You'll both be uneasy of your surroundings and not know what may happen as you step out everyday. 

Tonight I pray for God's protection on you, daily from the enemy. I pray Gods hand is on you every single step you take, everyday. I pray you always, always, always shine for Jesus. I pray he uses you both as a light for him and through him. I pray protection on your heart as you'll be ridiculed and persecuted for your beliefs. I pray you stay strong and courageous! I pray I equips you enough to know right from wrong, even when the world, the media, Hollywood tell you otherwise. I pray you stand firm in your beliefs and stand firm in the truth! I pray these things over you both because I have no idea what tomorrow holds. I know our world is crazy, people need Jesus and I need you both! I sometimes feel guilty for being such beautiful souls into a nasty, dirty world. But I'm reminded by you daily that your light can be the good this world needs to see. I pray you get to keep your sweet innocent childhood as long as possible. I'm sorry boys that this world is crazy but I know with you both in it, it's bound for greatness!!!! God bless you both and God bless the USA! 

Love,

Momma

In Case of Emergency.....

 
The boys are at my moms, Charlie is mowing and I'm drinking my coffee internally writing my blogs. So I decided that I probably needed to write them down so I could stop editing in my mind...😜

I tend to do that a lot, write blogs or think of good blogs to write about but never actually write it down. So with the quite of this morning I'm putting my blog in my head to paper...errr....to computer.

Last week we went to Boston for vacation. If you didn't already know Thomasland USA is located about an hour from Boston. This is why we chose that area. It was a different vacation for us because we're used to going to the beach and relaxing. In Boston there's not a whole lot of resting, just walking!! 

We enjoyed our trip and our time with my parents. The boys loved thomasland and we all enjoyed the views and history. Because Boston is so far away and my children are wild and crazy we chose to fly instead of drive....:)

This is the boys first time flying, they were so excited!!! We boarded the plane and got all settled in. We then had to listen to the airline instructions and what to do in case of an emergency. They went over the flotation devises and the oxygen mask and so on. Once they finished they can down the isle and came to each person who had children. They told us in case of emergency to put our oxygen mask on first then the boys. At first I was confused. Why? Why would I do that? My boys come first I want to save them first, right? The longer I thought about this (the whole week...which lead to a blog idea...which lead to internally editing...which finally lead here) I began to understand. In order to save my children I have to be ok, be able to breath first. If I put the mask on them first then what if I run out of oxygen and don't make it? What would they do? In order to fully help my children I have to be ok, be safe, be ready! So this lead me to think of my parenting skills, my relationship with Charlie, my relationship with God. In my life, in my relationships do I put my mask on first to be ready to take care of others or do I put everyone else's mask on first and hope there's enough oxygen for me to get mine on????

Deep??? Maybe! But it really has me thinking. I give everything I have to my boys, they are the loves of my life you know? But, should I? Is it ok to give the leftovers to Charlie? To God???? No, it's not! It may sound selfish to put your mask on first, but really the reasoning isn't just for you, but for others! I have to be prepared, be ready, be ok before I can help or lead anyone else!!! 

This is something I've really been bad at lately. My bible has sat on the table, my prayers are short and my time with Hod is limited. Then I wonder why I'm so short tempered, so annoyed or frustrated with Charlie or my boys! My oxygen is low, my spiritual health is failing! It's time for me to put my mask on first! Get in my bible, talk WITH God instead of AT God! Spend time with just Charlie, date my husband! Let our love for one another shine so our boys will know love and know what God can give!

The other day I asked Parker is he loved me, his response was yes of course. Then he said something I'll never forget. He said, "but mommy sometimes you yell....at daddy. That makes you not nice but still a good mommy". Oh my gosh! My heart broke! Yes, yes I yell at daddy, yes I do it front of the boys! Ouch! I forget so often that they are watching our every move, our every word, our every fight!! I then realized even more, I need my oxygen! Charlie and I get so caught up with our boys and work we forget about each other, which in turn causes stress and then mommy yelling at daddy.

Boston was a great trip, great vacation for us all. I however left with a little different perspective. It's ok to put myself first, take care of me so I can in return take care of my boys! My prayer is I can return to my bible, pray with God, listen to him. Date my husband, let him know his important. And in the end show my boys that because I love them sooooo much, I'll put my mask on first so I can take care of them forever! 

Here...hold my poppy

I've been meaning to write on here for a while now but I keep forgetting or getting interrupted. I'll sit and watch my boys and write out my blogs in my head and never write them down. My boys teach me so many crazy and new things each day. I never know weather to write a hilarious, crazy blog post or a sentimental "what God showed me today" blog post. Since it's been a while and I need to empty these stories from my brain i may do both today...well until one of my boys needs my undivided attention...😳😂.

As many of you know I'm an only child. I never had a brother or sister. Lots of cousins to play with but never a relationship like a sibling has. So I've never understood those relationships that people have with siblings. The fighting one minute and laughing the next or you can call them that but no one else can???? It's always been confusing to me until my boys.

I remember very clearly when Brody was a baby and I was up feeding and rocking him. I told him his birth story, our history, how I'd never be a mommy, how he was my miracle and special gift from God...etc. I would then tell him about Parker and how he's adopted and one day he's learn what that meant but the most important thing he needed to known was that no matter what, he was to protect his brother. I told him to "never let anyone say he's not his brother or my baby. Never let Parker feel different or any less loved. And if anything ever happened to me it's your job to protect him!" I told him this every night, every feeding. 

It amazes me just the kind of person Brody is. He truly is Parker's protector. It's kinda scary how much he protects Parker, kinda like he heard every word I said all those nights! As they've gotten older and their interactions are more and more their personalities are coming out too. Brody is of course the protector and Parker is the lover! Parker never wants Brody to be in trouble. Whatever he's doing wrong that I'm yelling at him about he'll hurry up and try to help him correct it or pick up what I'm needing him to pick up. Parker's the first to give up his toys or game so Brody can get his way. I love to hear them play together and laugh and then of course argue!!!!

A friend of mine and her two boys and me and the boys all went to Evansville to build a bear. My boys did the trolls dolls. Parker made branch and Brody made princess poppy. Afterwards we went to the play area to let the boys all play. There was one little boy there that was wild and mean and his mom wasnt watching him at all. In fact he'd ran out of the play area multiple times. There was a quick minute when it was just our boys in there and Parker and Brody wanted to play with their new trolls dolls. After a few minutes that little turkey of a boy and his mom came back. He's running wild and his momma is in her phone not paying any attention. Parker then decides to sit branch down on the floor to go through a tunnel thing. That little boy ran up a grabbed it. Parker turned around and said, " no, that's mine!" The little boy made a face at him and squeezed it tighter. So, trying to get the mom's attention I say, "Parker it's ok, he can see it for a second". This was not ok with Parker, me either but trying to keep the peace!! So Parker takes off crying in the floor. Little did I know Brodyman was watching this whole thing go down. From the corner of the play area Brody walks vastly over to crying Parker in the floor and calmly says "here Parker, hold my poppy". He tossed princess poppy by Parker and marched right over to that boy who was still holding Parker's Branch and also standing right next to his mom. Brody said "that not your, it's my brothers." The boy said "no". Brody said, "that not nice, it not yours". And he then began to wrestle Branch away from this little boy. Finally the mom looked up and scolded the boy and gave Branch back to Brody. Brody stared that little turkey down as he walked all the way back over to Parker and said, "here Parker". Picked up his princess poppy and ran off playing. I sat there in complete shock! It was hilarious and yet encouraging that Brody man was in fact gonna take care of his brother no matter what!!! I thought my heart would explode! It's been like that for a while now. Their relationship is amazing and hilarious all at the same time! 

I remember when I got pregnant with Brody thinking about their relationship. Would they be friends or hate each other? Would they love each other and protect each other? They are as different as night and day, they have different blood lines and their birth story is very different but the one thing that share is their love for each other and that is the greatest gift a mommy could ever ask of her children!!!!

 Parker was recently in the baby contest at the fair. He won in his age group. The first person to come running and give him a hug was in fact Brody!!! He had the biggest smile on his face and couldn't be any more proud of him than I was.

When Brody was potty training peeing was easy peasy....it was the pooping that was rough. Parker encouraged and encouraged him everyday. When he finally went Parker screamed and hollered through the whole house. He was sooooo proud of him!

I LOVE the supportive relationship they have! I pray it continues as they grow and the love only grows!!!!!!!!

Now, on to the funny things!!! Seriously everyday is like a comedy show and sometimes I look around just to be sure there isn't a camera filming this craziness!!!! 

I have two boys and with boys I'm learning you get poop talk, butt shows and pee pee questions! Both boys are potty trained and completely different at going #2. Parker goes everyday, consistent and healthy. Brody on the other hand has a terrible time going, he's constipated a lot and will hold it in so he doesn't have to go which causes pain. It's a terrible time!!! So I've had to refer to suppositories and enemas....it's that bad! The past few weeks have been better but both my boys know what a suppository is. The past few weeks I've heard them in the hall saying "hey, wanna play suppositories"? They get a medicine syringe and chase each other threading to give suppositories!!!!! I mean who's kid does that?!?! We have a room full of toys and games and books and my boys want to chase each other laughing and threatening suppository!!!

Both boys love to pee outside, like most do. But they don't just pull down the front of the shorts they pull their whole pants down to the ankles pee and then can't get them back up so they'll walk naked across the yard to me or Charlie to help them get them pulled up. I'm sure our neighborhood is getting tired of seeing my boys butts and pee pee's!!!

My life is crazy! I yell more than I wish I did and I go to bed tired and sad that I didn't do more with them and replaying things I wish I would done different that day. I hope every night that they are happy and that I'm a decent mommy. They make me so happy and so crazy at the same time. But mostly they make my heart satisfied and that's something That at one time I never thought would happen!!!

My baby is going to Preschool, and why im so emotional about it

So this week my sweet oldest baby started 3 year old preschool. This is a pretty big milestone for any mother, its an emotional time. For me, I'm a very emotional person anyway but this week has been really, really rough for me. As I was getting Parker ready this morning I was very calm and trying to take in each word he spoke and then it hit me. My baby going to preschool isn't what's making me so emotional, its the fact that if God hadn't placed him in our life, I have no idea where he would be today. And if I let my imagination get the best of me I COULD have an idea of where he would be.

We were and continue to be blessed that Andrea listen to her heart and that God led her to us. We prayed and prayed for a baby for so long and our answered prayer was in the form of adoption of a beautiful 6lb baby boy. I heard his first cry, cut his cord, fed him from my body. He is mine, my baby, my sweet angel that for the past 3 years ive played and taught and laughed with. There are many times that I have to stop and just thank God for that moment, that hes mine, because its then that my mind wonders to "if he wasn't here with me where/what would he be doing?" Its a thought Im sure most adoptive mommies have. It happens often and we really never say it out loud, its just a thought, because we cant go there. We live in the now, hes here with me to love and show love and that's what keeps us going everyday.

If you've ever met my Parker then your life has been forever changed. Hes pretty much the greatest thing since slice bread. His heart is as big as the sky. He has NEVER met a stranger. He loves and he loves BIG!!!! Everyone he has ever came in contact with never leaves he sight without a smile, a wonderful "Ive just been blessed smile!" His love for everyone is huge, he cares so much about everything. He radiates love and joy, it honestly feels like it just leaks from every part of his body. It qualities I hope he never loses and just gets greater as he grows.

With all that said, its God's amazing grace that that little sweet boy is MINE. He was given to me and Charlie and we have not one day taken that for granted. So sending my little miracle to preschool has been hard because he's growing up on me. But, its also because I know what an amazing piece of God's grace we've been given and I want to cherish it forever. I know there are many places he could of been right now, but i'm grateful that he's right where he's supposed to be!!