I'm up one minute then I'm down the next! This is such an emotional ride, I'm excited and ready for the journey. And then all of sudden panic sets in and all I see are pregnant people everywhere sharing their news! It was even on every TV show we turned on. I'm usually not a jealous person but in this case I'm so jealous I can hardly see straight! It's so hard to be happy for someone who has the only thing you want! Because I mostly feel like such a horrible person for thinking this way! You want to be happy for the people you love and care for but they have no idea the pain and trials that your experiencing. Unless you have been in this situation you cant imagine the pain that takes place. Charlie tells me each time that one day it will be our turn, and I know it will! I know one day ill look back on this day and say "It was all worth it!"
For the past few days we've gone over and over our options. Right now we are going to let our possible surrogate get tested and see if she can do it. We get really excited about it and then something will happen to bring us down. People aren't going to understand this. People are not going to agree with what we are doing. But I'm not here to please people, I'm here to please God. And if he is leading us to have a baby through a surrogate then that is what I will do. Ive been struggling with this these past few days. Today I decided to call Dr.Gentry's office to see what steps we have to take to make this happen. I talked with our nurse Bea and told her what we think we will do and she gave me all the information. While I was talking to her she was so excited about what we are doing. She instantly became my guardian angel, she said everything that I needed to hear. She made me feel like if this is what God wants then this will work! She offered to do anything and everything she could to make this right! God put her in my life at the exact time I needed it! She put my mind at ease and said that she was excited to go on this journey with us! Thank you God for Bea!!!
These next few weeks are going to bring some ups and downs, I can only imagine how many more emotions are going to get thrown in! I pray for peace, I pray for knowledge, I pray that negative comments wont get in the way of God's plan for us, I pray for our possible surrogate, I pray for my wonderful husband who has to deal with these "ups and downs", I pray God's will over this time in our lives!
Oh Lynsey, my heart just breaks for you. I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through, but I know some of it. We had a very hard time conceiving Jude, and are having a hard time conceiving another one as well (maybe even a harder time).
ReplyDeleteI know so many families here at seminary where the Lord has chosen, in his infinite wisdom, to grown their families only through adoption and not through biological birth, and they cannot stop talking about what a blessing it has been in their lives. I'm also a part of a mothers' online forum where one of the women is pregnant right now as a surrogate.
However it happens, I trust that God WILL bless you with children someday, and when he does, you are going to make one AMAZING mama. I pray that it will be someday very soon.
He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord! - Ps 113:9